If you've ever wondered how Mojo became the enchanting and bewitching lass that she has become, wonder no more.

The only immediate family member from Mojo's youth to escape this seasonal wrath was her Favorite Younger Sister, who is represented via proxy. That's because Mojo did not have any decent pictures of her handy, and those I found on the internet tended to be crowd shots of her as a single face in a sea of faces. Because that's the sort of questionable life she leads. Not that Mojo judges. Not to her face, anyway.  MORE Mojo! »

As many people already know, Mojo screens her calls. I don't like the phone. Never have, never will. Childhood trauma. I have Caller ID (the best invention EVER!), I have an answering machine. If I don't know the number, I don't pick up. If I don't know who the person is on the other end, I don't pick up. The innate understanding here is, if you wish to speak to Mojo, you leave a message and SHE will decide whether or not she wishes to speak to you. Usually not, especially if she can fob you off on her Favorite Husband, or if she can just ignore you as the telemarketing SCUM that you are.

(And if you ARE a telemarketer, you should get down on your bony knees and THANK your particularly third-rate God of All Losers that Mojo DOES ignore you, because you do NOT want to get her on the phone. Especially if you use LYING and FALSE INSINUATIONS to do so. Mojo doesn't like the phone, and Mojo doesn't like liars, so when you combine the two of them together it just creates this Perfect Storm of intolerance and the carefully hidden Irish Fishwife Temper comes out. Let's face it: while Mojo usually assumes a Benevolent Love for All of God's Creatures, if you are a telemarketer I WANT YOU DEAD before I even pick up the phone. Yes, you and your whole spawn of Satan family. Can I POSSIBLY be any clearer? Telemarketers are SCUM who serve NO PURPOSE in Mojo's otherwise blissful life. You need a job that badly? Work at McDonald's.)

The other day I got a message on my answering machine along the lines of THIS:

"Oooh, Mojo, this is a really IMPORTANT ISSUE that MUST be taken care of IMMEDIATELY!!! Pleas call me at MY BUSINESS NAME and ask for MY NAME. It's REALLY IMPORTANT!!! PLEASE call us back as soon as possible!"

Yeah, okay, so that's Lying Telemarketing Scum Ploy #352. But it sounded vaguely like a business I HAD done business with in the past, so I called them. It was, as it turns out. And almost immediately upon receiving my call, said person starts off by kind of ripping me a new one, thusly:  MORE Mojo! »

One of Mojo's problems dealing with society and having a job that occasionally requires interaction with the General Public is dealing with Stupid People. For unlike the spewing on this blog, where Mojo is free to vent and throw her little hissy fits, In Public she is expected to act with decorum and dignity and common sense.  MORE Mojo! »

Okay, I freely admit it: I am INCREDIBLY STRICT when it comes to training my dog. I do NOT beat or hit or abuse the poor animal, but I do yell like a fishwife if I feel an impression needs to be made. It's especially hard when they are cute-as-the-dickens puppies, but that's when they need the discipline the most. I do not let the little guys get away with ANYTHING. I jump on them for every tiny transgression for the first two years, and then I am rewarded with ten or twelve years of a really good dog.

But yes, yelling at a puppy is very hard to do and you can look like an absolute monster while you're doing it. It is for everyone's good in the end, but try telling that to a passing stranger when you are very loudly telling a sweet, darling little puppy what he did wrong and he's looking all sad and abused.  MORE Mojo! »

I think my brother gave this to me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with it. It's a little phone-thingie with a small clock embedded in the front. If you turn on the switch on the bottom, it makes an annoying phone ringing sound when you pick up the handpiece. A three year old relative loved it. The clock pops out and I guess has a separate battery for it to work, but I can't figure out how the clock back opens to get it going.  MORE Mojo! »