Passed Crap

I was shocked--SHOCKED, I tell you!--that these did not sell! These are antique George and Martha Washington plaque-type wall hangings. What, has eBay suddenly been overrun with anti-patriotic scum-sucking Communists who do not want George and Martha hanging on their wall? This cannot be! Mojo refuses to accept that! And while Mojo refuses to accept a great many things labeled "reality" this is one thing she might have some control over. So she is amassing her considerable copywriting talents to get these puppies SOLD!

Mojo's Declaration of Independence!

With the upcoming Independence Day weekend, Mojo is on vacation from the Craptacular until next Wednesday. She will be spending her exciting holiday covering shifts at the library and cleaning her house (and no doubt coming up with more crap to foist upon you). But not to be outdone by all the patriotic fervor and fireworks and Founding Fathers and whatnot, with Dominion Day tomorrow (I guess it's now Canada Day, huh) and the Fourth of July next week your devoted if somewhat snarky friend Mojo has finally decided to declare her own independence. Not independence in the sense of "I don't need any of you so get the heck out of my life; I'll do it myself" independence, for that sort of "independence" is clearly delusional. Pretty much every living being on the planet and probably in the universe requires some form of interaction with others, no matter how much it may annoy Mojo to have to depend on Lesser Beings. But rather independence from the various props and training wheels of life, the metaphorical security blankets which at first seem to be harmless mementos until it eventually dawns on Certain Slow People Whose Name Begins With "Mojo" that it is probably counter-productive to hang on to them.

One of these days Mojo is going to write down all the many rules people are required to follow if they do not wish to annoy her. She would have done so already, but writing things down takes time and effort and she is usually too busy blabbing about her pathetic life here on eBay to bother. So unless someone compiles these rules from her Craptacular blatherings you will just have to tread softly and offer her lots of gifts just in case you screw up.

Here's a specific rule to get the ball rolling. When Mojo becomes Queen of the World, she will not allow candles that require instructions in order to assemble and light them. I mean, how difficult should a candle be? Gotta match or a lighter or even two sticks to rub together, and woof--you've got your candle lit. It's not the sort of thing that should require advanced degrees or at least a few months of technical college in order to master. Until now, that is. So buy this candle while you still can, because when Mojo takes over and makes everyone's lives easier this is going to be one of the first things to go, and you'll be kicking yourself for not buying this when it was so readily available.

I have long considered this baby to be a paeon to Mojo's general incompetence. Sure, Craptacular readers are always reminded of just what an idiot Mojo can be when she truly sets her mind to it, but on occasion she can ALSO be an idiot without actually trying. She is not sure if this is something she wishes to brag about in public, but her vow to tell the truth on the Craptacular leaves her no other choice.

For you see, in addition to the many suspicious endeavors Mojo gets involved with, she tries to make up for it with a spot of community service by directing her town's library. Doesn't that sound noble? Mojo likes to say it's her form of community service, but to be honest she so enjoys the fact that she is paid to read and buy books and tease small children who can't fight back that calling it "community service" sounds suspiciously self-serving. But regardless of how it is perceived the simple fact is Mojo has the run of the place and the ability to boss around a small staff of dedicated and infinitely tolerant librarians who put up with her so they can likewise get paid to play with books.

So I had lunch with my Favorite Parents today. My Favorite Mother pretends to be mildly interested in my "online shenanigans", but mostly she is concerned I will either Cause Shame to the Family (too late for that, Mom!) or "Wind Up In Some Sort Of Legal Trouble Like Last Time".

As I've said before (and again and again, Lordy won't she ever stop), I happen to be a longtime fan of the animated television series the Simpsons (going back to the bumpers on the old Tracey Ullman show). One recurring plot contrivance involves Moe, the embittered, homicidal, suicidal barkeep, and his occasional attempts to improve his filthy, rat-infested station in life. On one of these occasions, Moe transformed Moe's Tavern into a family-style eatery called "Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag" and even sprang for some television advertising: "If you like good food, good fun, and a whole lotta crazy crap on the walls, come on down to Uncle Moe's!"