Passed Crap

Mojo's Island Vacation Week!

Yep, Mojo's theme this week is any of those lovely tropical islands people vacation on. Not that I would know what I'm talking about. Being the proud stick-in-the-mud that she is, Mojo has never been to any of them. Yet ironically her house is filled with tourist crap like what you'll see this week. I guess there's no need to actually spend the thousands of dollars on such a vacation when you can just buy some crap on eBay and pretend you went!

Introducing..... Mojo's Bear Air!

Our first house was built and owned by a packrat. He grew up during the Depression, so he learned to make do with what he had and never throw anything out. The result we inherited was an absolute mess. The yard was literally his dump—for forty or fifty years he would merely walk out the back deck and fling things. When we opened up the walls in the act of re-doing the house, we found fifty-year-old newspapers used as insulation, and (literally!) extension cords plugged together in place of the standard 14- or 12-gauge wiring those silly new-fangled modern codes demand. It was a wonder the house didn't catch fire.

Mojo's Geeky White Suburban Middle-Aged Girl's Fabulous "Huh?" Collection, Volume 1

Mojo is a little ashamed to admit this, but she has no great ethnicity to speak of other than middle class suburban Connecticut WASP. True, her Favorite Father is Irish and this has saved her and her siblings from becoming impossibly genteel, but sometimes when Mojo observes the rich tapestry of traditions and histories of the people around her it bothers her that The Proud Traditions of Her People would rather look like a Martha Stewart dinner party. My mother's mother's family moved to Canada to escape the American Revolution (they were Tories), but that's hardly ethnic, either. (I will tell you that story on my mojocrap blog, if you're interested, but it is too long to tell here—yes, even for a Craptacular item description.) While Canadians are proud of their history and heritage, except for the extra politeness it's really not that radically different from an American upbringing, provided you don't ask my mother (the poor kid) to name some Revolutionary War heroes (because the Canadian ones, inspired by her mother's Tory teachings, were different from the answers her American teacher expected).

...with matching cloth NAPKINS!

Hold onto your hats, fellow eBayers! At the bottom of this lengthy and pointless description you will have the privilege of bidding on Mojo's first (and hopefully final) Placemat-palooza, complete with matching cloth napkins! Who doesn't like placemats, huh? By asking that, I'm assuming if you clicked on this auction you do indeed like placemats, because otherwise why would you click here? Granted, Mojo is a scintillating wit, chock full of bon hommie and hail-fellow-well-met, whatever that means, but she certainly hopes your slavish devotion to every word she types does not make you click on items you have absolutely no interest in. So I'm assuming you are just MAD about placemats. Good for you! You're in the right place!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia...

As everyone is (hopefully!) aware, Mojo did not INVENT crap. She merely exploits it for her own evil purposes. Mojo feels this somehow makes her morally superior to those who actually CREATE this stuff, thinking someone will actually buy it. Mojo does not expect anyone to buy her crap. If they do, it is a shock to the system and she must lie down for several hours with a mask on her face. And then she is stuck with the hassle of packing it and shipping it. And while the lady at the post office is a very nice person, Mojo suspects when she sees Mojo coming she privately curses to herself and grumbles. She hides it well. (In addition to her other fine talents and character traits, Mojo tends to be paranoid. The post office lady is a VERY NICE PERSON who does not need Mojo slandering her on eBay.)

(I don't know if this is new or lightly used. I can't imagine anyone actually using it, but you never know....it looks new, though...)

When Mojo was a kid she was quite the little Nature Girl. She spent most of her time in the swamp behind the house, catching frogs and snakes and building tree forts. She subscribed to Ranger Rick magazine and worried incessantly about saving Endangered Species just because she liked animals.

But now that she is older, she sees the value of using endangered animals for purposes a younger Mojo might have considered frivolous and inhumane. Like this little beauty. Why just have a regular vibrating back pillow when you can have one made out of an endangered animal, like a leopard? Ahhh—taking decadence one more delicious, luxuriant step—that's the Craptacular way!