Mojo's Island Vacation Week!

Yep, Mojo's theme this week is any of those lovely tropical islands people vacation on. Not that I would know what I'm talking about. Being the proud stick-in-the-mud that she is, Mojo has never been to any of them. Yet ironically her house is filled with tourist crap like what you'll see this week. I guess there's no need to actually spend the thousands of dollars on such a vacation when you can just buy some crap on eBay and pretend you went!

But first, I would like to waste valuable time discussing what I will call META-gifts. I have been on the varying incarnations of what is now considered "The Internet" for a long time--nearly twenty years. I used to work at a college, and for years before Certain Other People got involved and commercialized the net, all us college people were emailing each other and gophering and reading Usenet newsgroups using TIN and all that geeky unix stuff. It was all text-based with a command line at the bottom, which served as a sort of first-hurdle Darwin test to keep the truly incompetent out. But as people worked to make computers more user-cuddly and less frightening it opened the doors to all sorts of people, which has its good and bad points, like most things in life. But I digress.

...with matching cloth NAPKINS!

Hold onto your hats, fellow eBayers! At the bottom of this lengthy and pointless description you will have the privilege of bidding on Mojo's first (and hopefully final) Placemat-palooza, complete with matching cloth napkins! Who doesn't like placemats, huh? By asking that, I'm assuming if you clicked on this auction you do indeed like placemats, because otherwise why would you click here? Granted, Mojo is a scintillating wit, chock full of bon hommie and hail-fellow-well-met, whatever that means, but she certainly hopes your slavish devotion to every word she types does not make you click on items you have absolutely no interest in. So I'm assuming you are just MAD about placemats. Good for you! You're in the right place!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia...

As everyone is (hopefully!) aware, Mojo did not INVENT crap. She merely exploits it for her own evil purposes. Mojo feels this somehow makes her morally superior to those who actually CREATE this stuff, thinking someone will actually buy it. Mojo does not expect anyone to buy her crap. If they do, it is a shock to the system and she must lie down for several hours with a mask on her face. And then she is stuck with the hassle of packing it and shipping it. And while the lady at the post office is a very nice person, Mojo suspects when she sees Mojo coming she privately curses to herself and grumbles. She hides it well. (In addition to her other fine talents and character traits, Mojo tends to be paranoid. The post office lady is a VERY NICE PERSON who does not need Mojo slandering her on eBay.)

(I don't know if this is new or lightly used. I can't imagine anyone actually using it, but you never know....it looks new, though...)

When Mojo was a kid she was quite the little Nature Girl. She spent most of her time in the swamp behind the house, catching frogs and snakes and building tree forts. She subscribed to Ranger Rick magazine and worried incessantly about saving Endangered Species just because she liked animals.

But now that she is older, she sees the value of using endangered animals for purposes a younger Mojo might have considered frivolous and inhumane. Like this little beauty. Why just have a regular vibrating back pillow when you can have one made out of an endangered animal, like a leopard? Ahhh—taking decadence one more delicious, luxuriant step—that's the Craptacular way!

Yes, now you can show off your patriotic fervor just in time for Independence Day with these! These are George and Martha Washington plaque-type wall hangings. The person who gave me these has no idea how old they are, except that "they're old". They were hanging on the wall in her mother's house while she was growing up. So they are at least fiftyish, since that's how old the giver is. Here's what the backs looks like—no clues there that I can see....

Mister Qwackers the Magical eBay Duck!

Sometimes for instruction and illustration and just to tread water for a while (for Mojo is nothing if not lazy) I like to haul stuff that did not sell back out into the light and try to resell it. Modern advertising and copywriting prides itself on its ability to sell anything to anyone, no matter how crappy it may be. So I am occasionally determined to rid my house of certain objects, and to play the game properly I must do so on eBay.