For the record, I am neither a particular fan (I pretty much had stopped listening to the radio by the time he made it big) nor a rabid hater. I thought Michael Bolton's version of When a Man Loves a Woman to be okay enough, but rather a copy of all previous versions. I didn't see anything all ground-breaking or awe-inspiring about it, so I didn't see what all the fuss was about. And that's about all I've heard of his music.

No, not really. I'm just practicing for that inevitable time when I might accidentally post something so egregious, so utterly offensive, that all right-thinking people, if not mortally offended, will at least have the passing thought, "Geez Mojo, what WERE you thinking?"

I believe this is how the sequence works (Mind you, I use "works" in as loose a way as you can possibly imagine):

1. Post said nasty, awful, offensive thought, joke, or nude selfie only meant for an ardent admirer (even better if they're underaged). Because let's face it, that's how Mojo rolls in the first place. (Or at least WOULD if her dang MOTHER wasn't reading this blog all the time. But I digress.)

2. Be utterly shocked when one-a them sensitive, whiny, trouble-making types somehow takes offense to your obvious genius. (Incidentally, if anyone ever criticizes you online for anything, they are CLEARLY JEALOUS. But again, I digress.)

3. Try to DEFEND said nasty, nasty thing with increasingly shrill vociferousness.

4. Somehow fail miserably, despite your shrill tone and unpleasant behavior.

For all sick, sorry people out there to encourage Mojo in her terrible, terrible ways by purchasing wildly inappropriate Christmas cards from her Zazzle store.

Christmas... a time to forgive. greeting cards by mojomerch!

(Scene: MOJO and her FAVORITE HUSBAND are getting into the car one brisk November morning. Let's say this morning. Mojo notices as she gets in that the windshield of the car is totally covered with frost. Mojo speaks.)

MOJO: Huh. I wonder why the windshield is totally covered with frost, but all the other windows are completely free and clear.

(The FAVORITE HUSBAND turns on the car and throws all the heat and blower up to defrost the windshield.)

FAVORITE HUSBAND: It's because it's at an angle.

MOJO: What does being at an angle have to do with how much frost is on a window?

FAVORITE HUSBAND: The water doesn't roll off of it as easily. All the other windows are nearly vertical. The windshield is slanted, so it can hold onto the water easier.

(A pause while MOJO ponders this in her tiny brain.)

MOJO: You're a smart one, ain'tcha?

(SCENE TWO. MOJO and the FAVORITE HUSBAND are relaxing in the living room, about to watch a movie. Previews come on. One is some godawful chick flick about a young woman who is apparently looking for a man while being diagnosed with cancer. It claims it's a comedy. It looks particularly dreadful. The FAVORITE HUSBAND makes a face.)

FAVORITE HUSBAND: That looks even worse than that Emma Thompson movie.

MOJO (okay, maybe a tad too shrill): WHAT EMMA THOMPSON MOVIE?

FAVORITE HUSBAND: The one where she's dying of cancer.

MOJO; You mean WIT? I LOVE WIT!!! WIT IS A WONDERFUL MOVIE!!! HOW DARE YOU COMPARE SOMETHING AS GOOD AS WIT TO SOME WITLESS AWFUL CHICK FLICK?!?!?!?

FAVORITE HUSBAND: It was a joke.

MOJO (continuing her shrill lecture): WIT ISN'T ABOUT FINDING A HUSBAND!!!! WIT ISN'T A COMEDY!!! WIT IS AN INTELLIGENT REFLECTION ON IMPENDING DEATH!!!

FAVORITE HUSBAND: I was just--

MOJO: AND IT'S NOT JUST EMMA THOMPSON!!! AUDRA MCDONALD IS WONDERFUL AS WELL!!!

FAVORITE HUSBAND: It was just a bad j--

MOJO: There's SOME things you should never joke about!!! And comparing some dreadful chick flick comedy to WIT is just a terrible, terrible thing to do!!!

Sigh. Maybe he's not so smart, after all....

Mojo

So the Favorite Husband flips through this week's Netflix booty. "Oh, hey, this one is a documentary about the Chauvet Cave! Let's watch THIS one!"

To which Mojo sez, "Okay, but just to warn you, it's written and directed by Werner Herzog."

"Who's that?"

"Remember WINGS OF HOPE?"

"No."

"About the lady who survived the plane crash in South America?"

This just happened last night.