No doubt as you made the shopping rounds this holiday season you popped into one of those Useless Yuppie Gadget stores and saw squooshy pillows for sale among the electronic golf tees and the Deluxe Executive Barbecue Utensil sets. Then, as you left the store (or rather run out by the aggressive little vacuum 'bots that yap at your heels like some obnoxious yip-dog) you saw the same thing for sale on one of the mall carts, maybe for cheaper (I didn't price them so I don't know) but with a different brand name. Leave it to the mall carts to tell your loved one "You know, I didn't even put five minutes into thinking about your gift". It's green. The name on this one is "Snooz Time". It appears to be cylindrical in shape, maybe 15 inches in length. It appears to be filled with tiny beads that make it light and slimy-squooshy feeling. C'mon, everyone squished them while they were out shopping, so you know what it feels like. It comes in a plastic bag with what appears to be a braided nylon drawstring. (If you've read descriptions of my other auctions you know just what a special draw nylon string can be! I can't BELIEVE I'm letting products with nylon string go with no reserve, but that's the sort of generous fool I am!) What makes this particular squooshy pillow extra-special is that my inlaws put a sticker on the plastic bag and I tried to rip it off for potential regifting purposes. I've been with my husband's family for nearly twenty years now and they still can't spell my name properly. They keep adding random hyphens and insist on spelling the "Jo" part with an "e". (Eventually I realized they weren't listening when I said "no 'e', no hyphen". I tested them by adding "...and the 'q' is silent" and received a "That's nice, dear" in response. That's when I gave up.) Anyway, this sticker had my name misspelled as usual so I ripped it off in a holiday pique, thinking I could someday give it to someone else. Little did I know my inlaws used a special industrial-strength holiday sticker on it, so the only way that sucker's comin' off is with several gallons of carcinogenic solvent. I defer that task to you, kind bidder, in the understanding that you will be smart enough to at least employ some sort of OSHA-approved gas mask—or perhaps one of those fume hoods with the built-in rubber gloves—to return this gift to its original pristine regifting condition. If you just want to use the pillow and don't give a hoot for the cheap plastic bag with the NYLON drawstrings, you're all set. If you wish to regift it as the Infamous Holiday Craptacular Squooshy Pillow you'll get the Certificate of Craptacularity to show your victim just how much you care. How could you go wrong? Well, I suppose there are many ways, but I don't see myself seriously involved in any of them, and that's what counts in my book.
Mojo's Holiday Craptacular....
"The Gifts that Keep on Being Given"
(dead poinsettia not included)