Submitted by mojo on
I suppose bidding on these candles might subject the winner to a lawsuit, but if everyone keeps quiet no one will find out. Possession being nine-tenths of the law you should then become the proud owner of a matched pair of pillar candles you can either use yourself or give to someone with a home you want to smell like stinky ferns. Allow me to explain. My inlaws usually come down for the holidays to get together with my family, but they had better things to do this year and for some reason they decided to forego the pleasure of my company. My family did not know this, however, and several of my siblings got them presents anyway. My sister purchased these lovely candles mail order for a ludicrous amount of money, thinking that "fern" would be a lovely scent to bestow on people, but when she got them she discovered the smell was not to her liking. The pejorative "stinky" is her coinage, since I am deficient in that department. (If I may add to my already pitiful tale of woe, in addition to being unemployed I am afflicted with a congenital birth defect called Kallmann's Syndrome, which no one has ever heard of unless you happen to be an endocrinologist, and even then chances are you've only read about it. It's very rare in women. It's basically harmless, but one of the primary symptoms of Kallmann's is congenital anosmia, which is medicalese for "no sense of smell". Yes, you read correctly. No, I cannot smell anything. No, never; I've been anosmic since birth. No, not even that particularly smelly substance or object you just thought of, so don't bother asking. No, I'm not kidding; why would I lie about such an odd obscure thing to total strangers? Yes, despite your reputation as an original thinker believe it or not I've been asked these questions before, which is why I answer them now to save you the effort. And if you know me and wonder why you didn't know this about me it's because I tend to just say I have a cold so I don't get asked the same darn questions over and over again.) Anyway, these candles were originally intended for my mother-in-law, and hence she MAY have some sort of legal claim (not being a lawyer I know nothing about such things). But she's getting up there in years so I think the average Ebay auction winner could take her in a fight. My sister thought these candles were ultimately too stinky to make a nice gift and we both made the executive decision NOT to give them to her and instead foist them upon you, the poor unsuspecting Ebay public. We are willing to say so in court if you need us for witnesses. Well, I am, anyway, especially since I hear expert witnesses are paid pretty good. I guess I shouldn't speak for my sister, but she always struck me as the sort who would help out if she had to. All this potential ugliness can be easily avoided: just don't tell my mother-in-law and everything should be cool. She'll be none the wiser, and you'll have a pair of lovely craptacular green fern-scented pillars in a box all set to give to someone you don't particularly like. Or who knows, maybe you'll actually like the smell and you'll think we're crazy for parting with them. Like I explained above, I'm no judge of such things and can only go by what my sister says, so Your Mileage May Vary. Enjoy! The box measures about 6" X 6" by 3". Each candle is 6" high and approximately 3" wide. And on top of everything else, you've learned a new word today. Go impress an endocrinologist somewhere.
Mojo's Holiday Craptacular....
"The Gifts that Keep on Being Given"
(dead poinsettia not included)
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