Submitted by mojo on
This one is totally my fault. I blame myself. I have family members involved in the animation industry, so I have a pretty good collection of animated movies. Including the recent trend of CGI movies, which up until now have all been fairly enjoyable. Of course that trend couldn't possibly continue, so here we have it: the very first CGI movie I could barely sit through. It was bound to happen, so that in and of itself is no cause for alarm.
The thing I like about DVDs are the special features—all the behind-the-scenes documentary stuff and the commentaries and whatnot. I really enjoy them. I especially like them when the movie is bad. You see, they don't often realize during the production that the movie is bad, and the special features are usually taped while they are in production, so they go on and on in this somewhat pretentious fashion about how it all magically comes together and the creative decisions they make and how beautiful they think so-and-so's performance is when she speaks this line just coming up....here! When the movie is bad it is just like how I imagine it would be if the This Old House guys were forced to narrate building something they bought at IKEA. ("Wow, that's really great, Norm! What do you have there?" "This device is called a screwdriver, Steve. I'm using it to put these little metal doohickies into these predrilled holes, like this.")
Anyway, the ROBOTS special features are chock full of a billion different people literally BRAGGING about how ROBOTS began not with a story to tell, but with a visual idea of a robot city. No story to tell, hmm? And yet I wonder why it's so dull! Ordinarily I would not publicly rank on the poor schmoes in the special features but if you watch the ones on ROBOTS they brag again and again about how they didn't really bother writing a script, it just kinda got cobbled together as they went along and it was the VISUALS they were mostly interested in. Gee, no story, huh? You could have fooled me! We writers just LOVE to hear how desperately unimportant we are!
Anyway, this is my fault because I went over my Mom's at Thanksgiving and the whole family was there and some people got to talking about CGI and I mentioned how boring I thought this particular movie was. And while usually I am blessed with a family that wisely chooses not to listen to me when I go off on a rant every once in a while someone does, and this is the sad result at Christmas. "You went on and on about it so much at Thanksgiving I just knew you had to own it" the gift giver said. Gee, thanks.The only good thing about it is he did get it for me in widescreen, which I prefer.
So you too can benefit from my big mouth and get your very own copy of what I think is the dullest CGI film made to date. Whoohoo! What more needs to be said? Bid early, bid often and you too can be the proud owner of this particular piece of cinematic history!
What is Mojo's Clean House Craptacular?
I will make this short and sweet. People often give me things I have no use for, and I am too polite to scream "What were you THINKING?" right in their face like any sane, rational person would do. So I smile and nod and thank them, and throw it in a corner of my house and privately mutter things about the giver behind their back.Until one day I thought, why should I keep my snarky thoughts to myself? It's much more cathartic to crab about my pathetic life to a group of total strangers on the internet! And if I can foist off some of this crap sitting around my house, so much the better!
Last year I held my first Holiday Craptacular, and it proved to be fun enough to warrant a repeat. My family celebrated Christmas 'way late this year, so the holiday no longer really applies, but I figure I'll get a start on Spring Cleaning and beat all the other Ebayers to the punch on this important holiday.
So why should you buy this stuff, when you can just as easily get most of it at your local mall? Two reasons. First, there's no reserve on any of it. For all I know you might get something you really, really want for little more than the cost of S&H. Second, we're talking major regifting possibilities here. And if there's anything more fun than giving people gifts, it has to be giving people you secretly dislike gifts that are just borderline acceptable. You can have hours of fun watching their faces as they feign pleasure at your apparent thoughtfulness. You will drive them nuts wondering if your gift was a joke, or if you are indeed THAT lacking in taste and/or common sense. See? Everyone wins. Well, not people who lose the auctions, but you winning people will win. And that's the American Way.
Each Craptacular item comes complete with an official, signed Certificate of Craptacularity, perfect for framing or starting fires. It will also come with a copy of this professionally-crafted product description (for posterity's sake). So happy bidding, happy regifting, have fun, and enjoy the all-new Craptacular! Marginally bigger and marginally better than ever.
"The Gifts that Keep on Being Given"
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