Submitted by mojo on
The CREOSOTE Sweeping Log!
( Oh, and another log, Just Because Mojo Loves You!)
It's back! And better than ever!
Fans of the Craptacular may remember those halcyon days of yore when I single-handedly mesmerized at least a dozen people talking about the "Chimney Sweeping Log" I received as a gift. Really smart readers (and you and I both know you're one of them, and not the typical schmoe reading this stuff at work instead of actually doing their JOB, God forbid)--wait, I lost what I was saying--really smart readers appreciated the multiple subtexts of my essay on the CSL and the centuries-old Log Tradition of the holiday season.Others appreciated the more slapstick aspects of me (in that same ad, if you can believe it!) describing how I severely hurt myself and learned a Valuable Life Lesson on how important it is to keep one's first aid supplies in one place instead of scattered willy-nilly about the house.
Let me assure you, gentle readers, that the people who have once more lavished me with logs are not doing it to be funny. They honestly think it's a great gift. They do not know that I put their beloved logs up on ebay and poke gentle fun at them. This year they not only gave me the new, improved CSL--it's no longer a Chimney Sweeping Log, but a Creosote Sweeping Log; don't ask me why, maybe because wood stoves have stovepipes instead of chimneys and people were getting confused and thinking this marvelous thing was ONLY for chimneys--but they threw in a regular artificial log, as well. So you get two--two!--two logs for whatever price is decided by the market in such things. Wotta deal!
But this just wouldn't be a Craptacular auction unless I go off on some weird tangent, huh? And here we go--a Striking Coincidence that offers us yet another Log Subtext.
One of my issues when Christmas shopping is, I find lots of stuff that *I* want to buy instead of gifts for other people. Yeah, you say, that's been beaten to death by every standup comic in the last twenty years. But listen. I usually am good and deprive myself, but once in a while I will buy things purportedly for my husband but which are actually for myself. I then call them "gifts for the house" and I let my husband open them so he thinks I'm being particularly generous.
I am especially fond of DVDs, as I have mentioned in other auctions, but I rarely buy them because it all adds up so quickly. But this Christmas a certain media outlet was Going Out of Business and I just couldn't resist. And one of the things I finally bought for myself—I mean, for the house—is the first season of the Mary Tyler Moore show.
And one of the very first shows on the very first disc (after the pilot, with my all time favorite line: "You've got spunk. I HATE spunk.") involved Mr Gra-hant marrying off his final daughter and celebrating the fact that he and his wife would be alone in the house together for the first time in twenty or thirty years. He came into the office with a paper sack and in the paper sack was... an artificial fireplace log. And it became a running joke/metaphor for that show that "burning logs" meant something much more coy and giggly than one might suppose. Especially in the relative innocence of the early Seventies.
We watched that particular episode the night before we went over my parent's house to celebrate Christmas (sometime in January, but what the hey, it's the gifts that count) so when we were presented yet again with not one but two logs it was indeed an even especialler moment than I previously could have imagined. And while I know "especialler" is not really a word I believe that moment warrants its own especialler word to commemorate it for posterity.
So now I share the joy with some lucky anonymous Ebayer out there. No, you're NOT getting my Mary Tyler Moore DVDs. I'm NOT an idiot. You are getting your very own Creosote Sweeping Log AND a regular non-sweeping Pine Mountain fireplace log. TWO logs, this year. Bid early, bid often, and try not to laugh like a moronic teenager the next time you're in a hardware store and you see a big giant pile of them in the corner.
And guess what! When I took them out of the plastic shopping bag they came in to photograph them just now, I discovered that the Pine Mountain log was wrapped in plastic NOT for any bizarre hygenic reasons, but because it's HORRIBLY DAMAGED! It looks like someone has mistaken it for a real log and took an axe to it! As you can see, a whole one and a half or two inches has been broken off the end. Now THAT makes this gift TRULY especialler! (I am starting a trend here, I can just tell.) I laughed and laughed when I saw that. I pass this joy onto you, highest bidder, in the hopes that you can truly appreciate just how crappy this is. I'm sure it will burn just as good in pieces as whole, if you decide "to heck with posterity" and burn these babies.
What is Mojo's Craptacular?
I will make this short and sweet. People often give me things I have no use for, and I am too polite to scream "What were you THINKING?" right in their face like any sane, rational person would do. So I smile and nod and thank them, and throw it in a corner of my house and privately mutter things about the giver behind their back.Until one day I thought, why should I keep my snarky thoughts to myself? It's much more cathartic to crab about my pathetic life to a group of total strangers on the internet! And if I can foist off some of this crap sitting around my house, so much the better!
Last year I held my first Holiday Craptacular, and it proved to be fun enough to warrant a repeat. My family celebrated Christmas 'way late this year, so the holiday no longer really applies, but I figure I'll get a start on Spring Cleaning and beat all the other Ebayers to the punch on this important holiday.
So why should you buy this stuff, when you can just as easily get most of it at your local mall? Two reasons. First, there's no reserve on any of it. For all I know you might get something you really, really want for little more than the cost of S&H. Second, we're talking major regifting possibilities here. And if there's anything more fun than giving people gifts, it has to be giving people you secretly dislike gifts that are just borderline acceptable. You can have hours of fun watching their faces as they feign pleasure at your apparent thoughtfulness. You will drive them nuts wondering if your gift was a joke, or if you are indeed THAT lacking in taste and/or common sense. See? Everyone wins. Well, not people who lose the auctions, but you winning people will win. And that's the American Way.
Each Craptacular item comes complete with an official, signed Certificate of Craptacularity, perfect for framing or starting fires. It will also come with a copy of this professionally-crafted product description (for posterity's sake). So happy bidding, happy regifting, have fun, and enjoy the all-new Craptacular! Marginally bigger and marginally better than ever.
"The Gifts that Keep on Being Given"
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