Submitted by mojo on
Like most people, I occasionally experience stress. Unlike some people, I can be vocal about it, especially if I can be especially witty or dramatic in my complaining. Unfortunately my inlaws have interpreted this dramatic flair as me suffering severely from stress, and it eats them up inside. They want to help me, but they don't know how.
Since they grew up during the Depression, they come from the thinly-veiled standpoint that anyone experiencing stress doesn't REALLY know what it's like to suffer and it's a personal moral failing if they don't shut up and pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and all that other macho Thirties stuff. They mean well. They just don't understand that I'm just venting or joking when I'm being snarky. It's been over twenty years now and they still don't get it, so I have given up.
But every year, in their thoughtfulness, they have given me these weird massage machines. They are earnestly trying to reduce my stress, and I thank them for that. But I have no use for such implements. I find the buzzing noise very annoying and stressful. It's just one of those frequencies that makes my whole body nervous instead of relaxed. It's like being at the dentist. Or coming across a bee's nest that you don't see at first--you just hear that scary drone sound and your body just freaks out.
They gave me one last year and it has been sitting in a box the whole time. So imagine my pleasure when they gave me another one this year. I suppose one of these times I'll catch the hint. In the meantime the massage doohickies are sitting in their boxes, gather dust, awaiting a new home.
So if you have any use for these massage machine thingies, take 'em! Along with all their freaky odd weirdo attachments, which to me just don't look right. I suppose they make a nice thoughtful gift for someone who is less sensitive than I am to high-frequency buzzing.
What is Mojo's Craptacular?
I will make this short and sweet. People often give me things I have no use for, and I am too polite to scream "What were you THINKING?" right in their face like any sane, rational person would do. So I smile and nod and thank them, and throw it in a corner of my house and privately mutter things about the giver behind their back.Until one day I thought, why should I keep my snarky thoughts to myself? It's much more cathartic to crab about my pathetic life to a group of total strangers on the internet! And if I can foist off some of this crap sitting around my house, so much the better!
Last year I held my first Holiday Craptacular, and it proved to be fun enough to warrant a repeat. My family celebrated Christmas 'way late this year, so the holiday no longer really applies, but I figure I'll get a start on Spring Cleaning and beat all the other Ebayers to the punch on this important holiday.
So why should you buy this stuff, when you can just as easily get most of it at your local mall? Two reasons. First, there's no reserve on any of it. For all I know you might get something you really, really want for little more than the cost of S&H. Second, we're talking major regifting possibilities here. And if there's anything more fun than giving people gifts, it has to be giving people you secretly dislike gifts that are just borderline acceptable. You can have hours of fun watching their faces as they feign pleasure at your apparent thoughtfulness. You will drive them nuts wondering if your gift was a joke, or if you are indeed THAT lacking in taste and/or common sense. See? Everyone wins. Well, not people who lose the auctions, but you winning people will win. And that's the American Way.
Each Craptacular item comes complete with an official, signed Certificate of Craptacularity, perfect for framing or starting fires. It will also come with a copy of this professionally-crafted product description (for posterity's sake). So happy bidding, happy regifting, have fun, and enjoy the all-new Craptacular! Marginally bigger and marginally better than ever.
"The Gifts that Keep on Being Given"
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