Submitted by mojo on
Oh..... Dear..... Lord..... In.....Heaven.....
What can I possibly say? This thing sells itself. Or at least so I hope and pray on a daily basis.
It's a pig's head. It's white. It's ceramic. It's got these weird red plastic eyes that seem to glow. This pig whispers to you while you're sleeping and tells you to do evil things in your dreams. One look and you can see why those kids went bonkers in Golding's Lord of the Flies. Or was it Lord of the Dance? I tell ya, anyone who claims to be the Lord of Anything is obviously up to no good.
(What's that, Oh Great Master Pig Lord? Yes, I mentioned the ceramic part. Yes, I brought up your eyes. Your strangely compelling .... strangely beautiful eyes. No, sir, I am not making fun of you. I wouldn't dare presume. I'd grovel at your feet, if you only had any. Yes, of course I love you, Oh Great Master Pig Lord! Of course I am willing to prove it! Tell me what to do, Oh Great Master Pig Lord! I live to do your bidding!)
Where was I? Funny, since the holidays I seem to have these fits where I stare at the fireplace bricks and lose track. It won't happen again. I apologize for my rude behavior.
Oh, yes, the ceramic pig's head. Um, it's white. I'm guessing from the red eyes it's an albino pig. Don't know if that's a selling point or not. It's truly a conversation piece, although I haven't actually heard that phrase in about twenty years. Seems to me if you're so godawful dull you need something like this sitting around the house just to get people talking to you, you're beyond hope anyway. But hey, that's just me.
(Yes, of course I'm listening to you, Oh Great Master Pig Lord. I was just talking to these nice people.... No, I don't know who they are. Yeah, a lot of them do seem to be losers. But I'm thinking perhaps they will grow to love you as I have. They could be recruits in your Unholy Pig Lord Army. What's that, Oh Great Master Pig Lord? Me, a PFC in the UPLA? If I behave myself? Thank you, thank you, Oh Great Master Pig Lord! Thank you for your beneficence! I am honored by the trust you bestow upon me, in all my unworthiness!)
So you want to buy him, after all? I thought you would. He's remarkably eye-catching, you have to admit. Plus he's got some great ideas, once he convinces you to look deep into his eyes and donate all your worldly possessions to him.
Yes, Oh Great Master Pig Lord.
I am indeed your brainless minion.
Our Great Master Pig Lord measures about 9" or 10" high, maybe 8" wide, and about 9" from snout to end. All hail!
Mojo's Holiday Craptacular....
"The Gifts that Keep on Being Given"
(dead poinsettia not included)
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