Submitted by mojo on
...with Special BONUS DUST!!!
So Mojo was chatting with someone in private, who had asked Mojo's opinion regarding the purpose of a particular Craptacular item. (Pffft! Like Mojo knows! She's lucky she can tie her shoes in the morning, let alone divine the thought processes, if any, behind a total stranger posessing unknown intellectual and/or psychological abilities. But I digress.) Mojo opined her opinion that the item was probably just an odd little dustcatcher, and then riffed a bit on how, for all she knew, there might be people out there in eBay world who might actually collect samples of dust from different parts of the world. Sure, you may scoff at the notion, and Mojo would have scoffed right along with you and clapped you on the back and shared a special moment of private superiority with you. But that was before eBay opened up Mojo's eyes to the big wide world of weirdness that is out there. For despite her worldly ways, shrill voice and obnoxious personality, Mojo is a relatively frail and sheltered girl, from an earlier time, and it wasn't until she started lurking around the Usenet newsgroups in the Eighties that she became fully aware of all the nutjobs--oh, sorry, scratch that, I mean, the refreshing diversity of opinions and tastes that make up the human race.
Who could forget, for example, the brave patriot who spammed Usenet with the dire warning that the US government was spying on us through the remote control sensors of our televisions? (This was long before spam had reached the epic tidal proportions it now enjoys. Back when it was actually rare enough you noticed it. Back around the Green Card spam, which oldsters will remember.) And when eBay started up, and Mojo started snooping around it, little did she realize all the odd things some people collect. So laugh if you may at the idea of someone possessing a "Dust Samples of the World" collection proudly displayed under glass in their living room. Mojo has seen odder things. Like her mother's friend, a paleontologist who frequents caves, and who studied taxidermy so she could create her own "bat mobile"--literally a mobile made out of taxidermied bats. I have seen this myself; it was hanging in her kitchen. (In addition to being rather cool herself, my mother has the coolest friends. Although during its construction this lady was accidentally "bitten" by a dead bat and had to have rabies shots. But again I digress.) So far be it for Mojo to judge what may or may not sell on eBay. I just put it up there and let people appreciate my crap and/or lust after it in whatever manner they wish. And if Mojo cares to judge them, she does so privately, and not to their face, thereby assuring they will not be waiting for her by her car so they can beat her pulpy with a bag of doorknobs.
When I first came up with this idea I announced it to my Favorite Older Sister, who has always been kindly supportive of All Things Craptacular, and breathlessly awaited her proclaiming my inherent genius. Instead there was this profound silence on the other end of the phone. It puzzled me. And while I was saying "Hello? Hello? Operator, I think we've been cut off" she finally responded, using a voice I only recognized afterward as the sort of voice you use when addressing an escaped mental patient: "I think maybe the Craptacular has jumped the shark with this one."
Time to PROVE HER WRONG, gentle eBayers! Mojo is not wholly convinced! For all she knows (and as much as Mojo pretends to be stupid and inept in actuality she enjoys thinking of herself as one of those modest stealth-genius types and she thinks she knows a great deal more than she lets on; so just humor her and no one will get hurt) there might be people out there collecting Dust Samples From Around The World. And what BETTER item to offer them than their very own decorative ceramic Dust Display Bowl, complete with (remember to breathe, now; I don't want anyone fainting and hitting their heads) your very own EXCLUSIVE sample of dust from Mojo's house!!! And not just a tiny dusting of dust, oh, no. But a stirring amalgam of dust....dirt.....dead flies....dead spiders.....small pebbles.....twigs and leaves....and other small detritus that seems to spontaneously collect in Mojo's house, topped with a fluffy grey cloud of DOG AND CAT HAIR!!! And let Mojo hereby assure you: she will NEVER AGAIN sell her dust on eBay! So this is about as EXCLUSIVE a collection as one can possibly get, short of breaking into her house with white gloves and petting her television screen!!! WOW!
How does she do it, you ask? (After getting over your initial shock and horror and excitement, that is.) Well, as faithful Craptacular readers are well aware, Mojo is the proud owner of a certain Golden Retriever named Rosie who enjoys playing in the mud and bringing sticks into the house, as well as a large fluffy ex-stray cat named Ratty who likewise brings....um...things into the house. (Whenever it happens I complain about it on the blog, so people are frankly sick to death of Ratty stories.) And both animals usually enjoy the freedom to waltz in and out at will, for not only does Mojo tend to just leave the door open when she is home, but they have a dog door they can use when she has shut the people door to ward off bears and porcupines and bats. So the amount of dirt and stuff that gets tracked in the house is something akin to "epic". Plus both are going through a shed right now in the July heat, so until Mojo constructs her specially-planned Pet Room with the wall-sized vacuum, she has to put up with these great clouds of hair swirling gaily in her happy pets' wake as they cavort around the house.
(And to ward off the snotty pet owners saying I should BRUSH them, let me assure you, yes, I brush them daily, enough to construct a whole second dog out of the pile of hair, but it makes little difference.)
Warning to anyone who might be allergic to dust, dogs or cats: You probably should not bid on this item, no matter how incredibly exciting I make it sound with my vast copywriting skills. Remember, the Craptacular is always for FUN, and it's hard to have fun when people are dying. It's kinda a bummer, ya know? And trust me, Mojo has enough guilt in her life without you selfishly adding to it by buying her stuff and then dropping dead due to your fatal allergy to pet hair. While everyone will expect Mojo to blithely make another cruel reference to "Darwin in action," the cruel truth is she is a sensitive and caring individual and you might make her Feel Bad by your thoughtless expiration. If she hears the news, rest assured her rolling her eyes and saying "Pffft!" will be hiding a Profound Sorrow as vast as ... um ... say ... at least a wheelbarrow. And a wheelbarrow full of heavy stuff, too, like rocks, not light little sticks or grass clippings or dried leaves. Why? Because Mojo Cares. Or at least she'll pretend to, because that's the polite thing to do.
So what do you get? A marvelous dust-catching ceramic bowl, in a crackley southwest native american sort of finish, roughly ten inches or so in diameter and over three inches high, chockablock full of whatever Exclusive Floor Sweepings Mojo has collected for you. But I WARN you: I don't want to see a whole bunch of auctions a week later of the winner selling off little vials of this stuff. BAD Crap Fan! NO biscuit! This is SUPPOSED to remain TOGETHER as ONE UNIT, to assure the most VALUE for your Dust Dollar. And should there be any Mojo hair in the mix, don't go CLONING it to create your own Mojo and start a rival eBay Craptacular Solely Devoted to Evil. That's, like, SO not cool. In return you will be the Only Person In The WORLD to have a sample of Mojo's House Dust in your private dust collection!!! Whoohoo! To seal the deal, there's the infamous Certificate of Craptacularity to go with it, causing an already Rare and Valuable Item to literally SKYROCKET into the stratosphere of dust collectibility. And please note: I cannot assume any responsibility for the safety of your person or your home should your rival dust collectors find out where you live. (And I might accidentally let something slip if they wave huge wads of cash under my nose. Hey, Mojo may be a paragon of virtue, the Role Model our nation's youth cries out for, but she is only human.) Again, this is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME offer. Bid early, bid often, stock up on antihistimines, and.....good luck.
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