"I Love My Country Home"
Pillow-Type Decorative Implement
Yep, every once in a while when Mojo feels up to it we dig deep into her sordid past and bring up some item that failed to sell, all because of her utter incompetence as a sales person. Sure, she likes to pretend she's really witty and fun and people will buy stuff just to be entertained, but for many people she just comes across as obnoxious. And while there is something to be said for her "anti-sales" sales pitch, there is also something to be said for Not Being Stupid.
Take this lovely, decorative, soft-n-cushy Luxury Pillow. Who wouldn't want chickens prominently displayed on their couch or arm chair? And believe me, I know from personal experience pillow chickens are a great deal less messy than live ones. And yet for some inexplicable reason, this gorgeous "I Love My Country Home" pillow Did Not Sell. Mojo tossed and turned for weeks asking herself, Why? WHY? WHY?
And then a small child, who looks sort of like Cindy Lou Who of the Grinch fame (the REAL Grinch, I'll have you know, not that monstrous real-action remake a few years back with Jim Carrey), only cuter and with bigger eyes and greater commercial potential, came up behind her and tugged at Mojo's shirt tails and said in a shy voice, "Awntie Mojo," (yeah, Auntie Mojo is good; leave it in there) "maybe da widdle piwwow didn't sell becawz you cawwed it a 'deathtwap'."
Well. I never. Out of the mouths of babes. I only called it a deathtwap--er, deathTRAP--because of the warning sticker on the plastic bag that protects this gentle, kind, happy pillow from the cruelties of the outside world. I did not mean to imply that, should you choose to lay your head upon it, giant steel claws would spring out of it like a gopher trap and it would grab you by the face and start sucking your brains out of your head like a giant pillow-shaped leech. Imagery, Mojo told herself, smacking her forehead. Deathtrap is out. Luxury is in.
So if you wish to pamper your body in a way you--and you alone--truly deserve, you can't go wrong with this Elegant Luxury Pillow from Mojo's Craptacular. Support your head with only the finest, softest pillow materials known to mankind. Yes, Mojo has traveled to the ends of the earth to find this gorgeous specimen in home decor, and now offers it EXCLUSIVELY for a limited time here on the Craptacular! It comes with its very own Certificate of Craptacularity, which is special Rich People's code for "excellence" and "Elegance" and "Won't the neighbors just be green with envy when they see THIS".
And now Mojo pats little Cindy Lou Who on the head and gives her a drink and sends her to bed so she can get back to what she does best. Which is complaining. Complaining about parents who let their little brats wander into item descriptions and bother the creative geniuses who are writing them. What is this world coming to?