Clash of the Titans!!!

Danger signSo, umm, Mojo knows people. Lots of people. I don’t necessarily LIKE them all the time, mind you, but I do know them. People from all walks of life: from destitute folks who work part time on cow farms (when they can) to gazillionaires. Once in a while I meet someone with whom I like hanging around with; others I make a mental note to never EVER have anything to do with them if I can ever help it.

In this pantheon of people it is not surprising to find a variety of personality types. And while Mojo is no degreed psychiatrist nor psychologist nor even licensed social worker, there are two acquaintances in particular I have officially diagnosed as classic narcissistic sociopaths. I don’t mean sociopath in the axe-wielding maniac movie sense, but in the more common “the world revolves around me and everyone else I encounter is just staff who is there for me to use and conveniently blame when things go south” sort of feline vibe. Feline except, of course, I actually LIKE cats, whereas HUMAN narcissists and sociopaths are rather tiresome to the majority of us who, in the immortal words of (the highly narcissistic) George Costanza, are “trying to have a society, here”.

While Mojo lacks the temperament to tell such a person to go pound sand, she is usually able to avoid them by being pleasantly but PROFOUNDLY unhelpful. The very rules I may thwart or scoff at suddenly grow in dramatic importance should one of these two folks ask me to break them—I must gently break it to them that I REALLY can’t do that, much as I would LOVE to help them, but, ya know. RULES. Followed by a helpless shrug of frustration. Consequently they have remained at the very periphery of my life. They view me as a good-natured but hapless sort of idiot bumpkin who cannot be relied on for even the simplest of tasks. So when we bump into one another in the professional sphere we remain amiable and courteous, and I am careful to wait until I am certain they are out of sight before I check my pockets to see if my wallet is still there. Because they both would do that, in a heartbeat. I am not kidding. Seriously. They would steal from you and not think twice about it.

The amusing part of this whole intrusion into Mojo’s otherwise storied life is that, until recently, neither narcissistic sociopath was aware that the other existed in Mojo’s wildly casual sphere of influence. I am not one to promote such a person to clients, friends or family. I wouldn’t even recommend them to my bitterest enemy, should one ever arise. I just kind of ignore their existence, and due to my well-meant but blundering unhelpfulness they have mostly learned to ignore me. Until one of them WANTED something of me one day.

For, as the Fates would have it, one day NS1 suddenly became aware of the existence of NS2, and through mutual friends became aware that *I* was vaguely acquainted with NS2. NS2 thinks themselves a great Mover and Shaker in a particular industry, and given all the horn-tooting such a person requires while they are Moving and Shaking, they indeed have acquired a certain Public Reputation For True Greatness that withstands a very slight casual glance. (Anything MORE than a casual glance quickly turns into Olympic-level eye-rolling, but I digress.)

So, anyway, Narcissistic Sociopath 1 hears of this wonderful person, NS2, who can certainly BOOST their career, and they approach me—with the casual air of “why are you hiding your relationship with this Truly Great Mover and Shaker from me, you narcissistic sociopath you?”—to ask if I would arrange for an introduction so that NS1 could adequately impress NS2 with their own True Greatness. Because, though I have been proven utterly worthless in all other aspects of life, certainly they can manipulate me into doing this ONE SMALL THING. This will be the ONE SMALL THING that, in their self-centered life, will magically separate me in their mind from, say, a doorstop.

Now, I’m not going to come out and SAY “OMG THIS PERSON IS A DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM THEM AND WARN YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WITH RED FLASHING LIGHTS AND SIRENS” because such things have a tendency to get back to those you are speaking about, and the last thing you REALLY want is to have a downright horrible human being needlessly mad at you if you can avoid it. Because along with their many other charms, both of these people can Bear a Grudge Like Nobody's Business, and they are SOOO unpleasant when they TOLERATE my existence I cannot FATHOM life with them actively HATING ME. So instead I go into my blundering unhelpfulness routine, and explain—quite truthfully—that I am not really all that well acquainted with NS2, and here I am anyway, a NOBODY, a SCHLUB, someone who you can see for yourself has long ago proven INCAPABLE OF DOING THE SIMPLEST OF TASKS, so rest assured MY introduction will be less than meaningless to them and their greatness, and I could not POSSIBLY fully communicate to NS2 just how utterly WONDERFUL NS1 is, anyway, because I’m such a putz, oh, look at that squirrel, isn’t it cute.

Because while there is a part of me who would kinda like to be there as two narcissistic sociopaths battle it out for world dominance, there is also the life-loving part of me who really doesn’t want anything to do with the subsequent matter/antimatter Kirk/Evil Kirk explosion that you just KNOW is going to result from this matchmaking. So I plead ignorance and incompetence and beg off, and since I have long ago set the bar so very, very low with them they quickly drop it.

Well, wouldn’t you know it, both parties independently determined it would be a DAMNED SHAME if either NS was DEPRIVED of being introduced to the Awesome Majesty of the OTHER, so even without my help the two eventually met anyway. And while I was not there to witness it, rest assured I got an EARFUL from both sides afterward that makes me feel like I was indeed a participant. Both casually offered that they had met so-and-so, and when I failed to respond with an appropriate amount of horror and disgust (that Mojo might be a nice enough person, but clearly she is None Too Bright) they proceeded to tell me, in no uncertain terms, just what an AWFUL PERSON the other was. “It’s like the WHOLE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND THEM!” they both shrieked, in a bizarre kind of stereo. “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THEY WERE SUCH A SELF-CENTERED, HORRIBLE, MISERABLE, PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A HUMAN BEING?” And I swear upon all that is holy, each one independently came up with their own diagnosis: “You know what they are? They’re a SOCIOPATH! It’s all about THEM, man—ME, ME, ME!!! It was UNBELIEVEABLE! I’ve NEVER met a more NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH!”

This is the part where Mojo just keeps her mouth shut. Because, umm, yeah.