First Transmission From Kepler-452b




Greetings, earthlings, and welcome!

My name is Xbrlsqy9~%. (FYI, in our language the tilde after any positive number is silent. You can Google it if you don’t believe me—although on our planet we say “&Kq-3nix it” instead. The &Kq-3nix domain name, you can plainly see if you &Kq-3nix it, was purchased on February 5, 1997, a full SEVEN MONTHS before those yahoos at Google thought they were so smart. But I digress. I’ll start again.)


Greetings, earthlings, and welcome!

My name is Xbrlsqy9~%. We appreciate your interest in our planet, which you have erroneously dubbed “Kepler-452b”. We, of course, know it by the PROPER name for our beloved planet, which is “PonyWorld”. That is because everyone in our highly advanced, reason- and technology-based civilization gets a pony. It’s what we do. You, on the other hand, enjoy treating earthlings with darker skin than you in a rather violently unjust fashion, and then whine that you feel all oogy and uncomfortable whenever they have the temerity to complain about how they are treated. It’s what YOU do, apparently, and while there are no ponies involved, I’m sure it… has…. SOME…. valid, uh, purpose…

Okay, we don’t get it. I’ll just say that upfront.

I must say I kinda prefer our whole pony thing, but perhaps this is because I find ponies are just so gosh-darned cute, and far less messy than needlessly killing people. We are far more advanced than you, I dare say. We only kill others for LEGITIMATE reasons. Like the Worst Crime in the Galaxy: Mispronouncing someone’s name. OMG. Like, don’t EVER do that on PonyWorld, okay? Only big rule we have. The rest is all skipping and rainbows and ponies, as nature intended. But mispronouncing a proper name means instant death. We’re overlooking this whole “Kepler” thing this one time because we figure you guys are all backwards and ignorant and don’t know any better, but repeat after me: PONYWORLD. Master that, and you’re well on your way to become a master diplomat. Don’t master it, and you’re dead. Pretty simple.

In the spirit of continued diplomacy, can you please send me a list of the names (and pronunciations thereof) of your world leaders?

Here are the main movers and shakers on PonyWorld:

Lord High Executioner Wkg49~Zbthb   (Remember the tilde is silent! Oh, lord, PLEASE remember!)

Municipal Pooh-Bah zTH-1~qxV42 (Heads up: he’s kinda a “Type A42-7nZ” sort! Typical Leo! Tough, but fair.)

Executive Pony Wrangler YcqZan~67n86F (Always, always, ALWAYS use the subjunctive case when addressing YcqZan~67n86F!!! I cannot stress this highly enough! Kind of a stickler for grammar, if you ask me, but her pony is an AWESOME LITTLE PINTO.)

We look forward to a long and fruitful mutually beneficial relationship going forward. Our first shipment of 3.5 X 1042 metric tons of pony poo is on its way to be dumped in that cesspool you call “The Pacific Ocean”. More will be on its way once we have established proper dumping procedures, since right now we are admittedly a tad uncomfortable with your slapdash willy-nilly way of dumping trash wherever you happen to be sitting at the moment. But remember: PONIES! Ponies are JUST ADORABLE, aren’t they? We <3 PONIES! So glad you like them, too!

Thank you in advance for your cooperation and pronunciation. We look forward to your return communications ASAP.



Chief Communications Officer,



P.S.: Here is a picture of MY pony. His name is Sparkles.