"I Never Got Your Text"...

imessageHonestly, is there a MORE LAME, LYING excuse out there? Especially if you've texted the person before, so you have their contact info right there in the messaging program so you just hit "reply". I swear, "I didn't get your text" must be RIGHT UP THERE with "I've been hacked!" for the Technologically Clueless Liar Attempting To Place Blame Elsewhere.

Except, of course, when the protester of innocence in question is Mojo, a blameless and saintlike creature who is also extremely technologically savvy. Not quite enough to be a true geek, but close enough that she gets most of the jokes. As Mojo continually likes to point out to you lesser beings, she's been online back when it was all done via Unix commands, typed out in knee-deep snow uphill both ways. Yadda yadda yadda, someone shut her up.

So last Friday I texted the Favorite Husband on a matter of Pressing Importance. He wished to have his car serviced, yet MOJO is expected to actually babysit the beast at the garage, since she is so LOADED with free time. And yet the Favorite Husband has such an unpredictable schedule, and Mojo makes the appointment, so there's this whole back 'n' forth. And since he doesn't like getting personal calls at work (since he is often with a paying client, and for some reason when they are paying him the Big Bucks they don't really like him to halt everything to answer his phone and say stuff like "No, honey, I like the BLUE one best" while they are hemorrhaging money all over creation), I text him so he can answer when he gets a chance.

The Favorite Husband and I are alike in many ways; one of which is, neither one of us really likes the phone and hence we don't use it unless we ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. Yet I am geeky enough that I MUST have a good smartphone, and I MUST know how to use it. The Favorite Husband.... eh, less so. He HATES it, so while he CAN receive and send phone calls, texts and emails he only does so under duress. And even though he is Mister Engineer and Mister Programming Whiz he doesn't like computers or phones or anything that makes up poor Mojo's world. So if there is a technological glitch involving the Favorite Husband, Mojo's go-to argument is immediately "You must have done something wrong"--which, often as not, turns out to be the case.

So I texted the Favorite Husband asking him when would be a good time to take his car from him, and I never heard back. So when he got home that night you can imagine the ensuing conversation:

"Why didn't you answer my text?"

"I did."

"I never got it."

"Well, it was up there on the screen, I typed out an answer, I hit 'Send' and it made a whooshing sound."

"You must have been mistaken. I never got it."

"I did everything I usually do and it went whoosh." He goes out to the car and gets his phone (he hates it so much he doesn't keep it near him unless he HAS to, and even then it's usually not on) and shows me that his reply was, indeed, marked "Delivered".

"Well, I never got it. Send me another text."

So there we are, side by side on the couch, texting one another with our phones like some pathetic clichéd image of our times, and sure enough, he's texting, it's whooshing, his phone says it's delivering them, and I am RECEIVING NOTHING. So my next line of inquiry is, "What have you done to your phone?" Because I know it's him. He and his phone do not get along. As for me, I don't TOUCH his phone, and he doesn't touch mine. None of that paranoid-search-your-spouse's-cell-phone here; I just know he BARELY uses it even when he's SUPPOSED to, and it's usually out in the car, whereas mine is always around and, should he ever snoop, he would find it full of cat videos and useless memes, as well as countless proclamations of my Undying Love For Him. But again, I digress.

Anyway, like I said, although I have a nice iPhone, I HARDLY EVER USE IT. I can go for DAYS without receiving a single phone call or text. Which is FINE BY ME. Except NOW it's looking like the chirping crickets might also be because the DAMNED THING'S NOT WORKING.

Long story short: A few months after getting my new phone, I noticed the messaging was doing something weird, and when I looked into it, I saw that Apple had added a new feature I did not ask for, called iMessage. It seemed pointless and useless to me, so I TURNED IT OFF. And, in doing so, I apparently turned off all communication with EVERY OTHER IPHONE IN THE WORLD. Because instead of defaulting like it should to standard messaging, or at least telling senders I am no longer available to text to, iMessage decided that the best way to deal with this scenario is to PRETEND it is receiving messages without actually displaying them to the intended.

So my weekend was spent researching this brouhaha and grudgingly updating my phone's software and re-turning-on iMessage. And finally, now, I am getting texts once again. But don't text me unless you absolutely have to, okay? I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT.