Mojo's Quest For Porn

Given the recent kurfuffle with apparent apologist sleaze John Grisham, Mojo is starting to suspect that ye olde “I clicked on that link accidentally” is fast becoming the new (or the old) “I was hacked!” In other words, a super-lame LIE to cover up reprehensible--or at least mildly questionable--behavior. This, I suspect, is the same group of people who characterize a multi-year embezzling scheme as “a mistake” or “a temporary lapse in judgement” and get all huffy and indignant when you have the SELF-RIGHTEOUS TEMERITY to point out that um, no, I don’t see how that’s a MISTAKE. Dialing a wrong number is a MISTAKE. Dialing the same number every night for a year and staying on the line for an hour each time.... I can’t help but think at some point in the gray it ceases to be a "mistake" and kinda becomes an intentional act.

(Hey, at least John Grisham has being white and over sixty going for him. Which, according to him apparently, is some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card. Which Mojo likewise finds kinda disgusting, in a different yet sadly similar sort of way.)

Mojo has been on the innertubes for a LONG TIME. Pre-web days. Text only UNIX days. I’ve seen some pretty terrible and/or shocking things in those decades. NONE of which--and I mean NONE--were encountered ACCIDENTALLY. Yes, folks, I’ve had to ACTIVELY SEARCH THEM OUT and KNOWINGLY click on the links. Yep. I did it. All by myself.

I have nothing in particular against sex or pornography, so long as it’s consenting adults and I’m not FORCED into anything. Mojo’s only sexual prerequisites are monogamy and fidelity, and since those have both been amply met for the past (ulp!) nearly thirty years it’s never been a serious issue to dwell on. I’m also not that WILDLY interested in porn because, frankly, 99% of it is aimed for a demographic I am not a part of (mostly heterosexual men as far as I can see) and bouncing boobies and obviously bored actresses pretending--usually very badly--they are enjoying something is not my personal cup of tea. So I have never had any real reason to ACTIVELY seek it out, and certainly not in the obsessive fashion some people enjoy. To each his or her own. Back in the usenet newsgroup days all the porn discussion boards were CLEARLY  labeled as such, but for reasons cited above--as well as being on a work computer--I had little interest in exploring them. (Indeed, in the Very VERY Olde Days, you had to subscribe to newsgroups by scrolling through the ENTIRE LIST of groups. I tells ya, just scrolling through the titles of the fetish subgroups was an education unto itself to a Younger and More Naive Mojo. But I digress.)

I also remember early on--in the web’s infancy, when you could put anything in a website’s meta description to get it to show up in search engines--reading that certain Bad People were adding popular phrases at the time, like “Barney the Dinosaur”, into the meta data of porn sites to LURE UNSUSPECTING CHILDREN. Granted, I would never be the sort who would actually CLICK on a link entitled “Barney the Dinosaur” (and I resent your unspoken implication that I would; Mojo DOES HAVE HER STANDARDS! *huff* *huff* *indignance*), but aside from ramping up one’s website stats I see no real purpose in doing that, and suspect much of it was an urban legend that dogged the EEEEVILLL INTERNET in those days. I could see some idiot teenager briefly doing that for juvenile ha-hahs, but let’s face it with this one golden truth: CHILDREN DO NOT HAVE CREDIT CARDS. And THAT, in my limited experience, seems to be the Primary Goal of Online Porn.

Mojo has fabulous Google-fu. I have an oddly Boolean brain with a knack for devising various search phrases to find stuff on the internet. It’s a gift. And, after YEARS of hearing about people “accidentally” stumbling across horrific porn sites and having it NEVER ONCE HAPPEN TO ME, one afternoon when I was bored and on a public computer in a dark, dank corner of a public library, I decided to ACTIVELY SEARCH FOR PORN.

(Granted, if I ever DID happen to see a link entitled “Child Porn--click here NOW!” (and, for the record, I HAVEN’T), I would not click on it any more than I would click on something entitled “Man Falls Face First Into A Wood Chipper--click here NOW!” or “Barney the Dinosaur--click here NOW!”. Not my cup of tea, like I said. But once more I digress.)

“Porn” is such a HUGE topic I recognized I would have to be selective, so I settled on some celebrity sex tape du jour that was making the rounds at the time. (This was back when such things still reeked somewhat of scandal, and not, as now, when it somehow morphed into a Lucrative Career Choice. So, again, we’re talking DECADES ago.) Even with this highly-limiting qualifier, I still got what was probably TENS OF THOUSANDS of hits. (I don't remember, offhand. What are you, a cop?) The first three or four, as one may expect from Google, led to sites I would have to PAY to see said video, so I skipped forward some twenty or thirty or fifty or a thousand pages into the search results. They were ALL teasers, promising me free access until I actually GOT on the page, and then demanding a credit card to see more. It was ALL bait and switch. After an hour I gave up in disgust--not from what I had seen, but from the sheer nonstop money-grubbing GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD onslaught I was subjected to. And I had no one to blame but myself for THAT soul-sucking, filthy-feeling experience.

In the years since, one of my many acquaintances, as luck would have it, was a kind of sad, lonely man with a SERIOUS porn obsession who was not shy about discussing it. So I discussed it. (If anything, Mojo is polite and respectful to all she meets, so long as they are polite and respectful to her.) I was particularly intrigued because this shabby-looking waif did not seem to be rolling in the sort of wealth that was apparently required if you wanted to indulge in his obsession. Oh, no, I was told, you don’t need to PAY to see porn on the internet. You just have to seek out AMATEUR PORN. Which, after another very brief foray on a public computer in a dark corner somewhere, I can now liken to amateur writing: there might be gems hidden in that vast cesspool, but seeing how I’m not all that INCREDIBLY INTERESTED in the first place, I see no reason to slog through the swamp on the off chance I might someday FIND one.

For the record, I saw nothing all that earth-shaking or disgusting; just picture after picture and brief video clip after brief video clip (you need the attention span of a GNAT to enjoy them, which only adds to my general dislike) of what mommies and daddies have been doing for millennia. I’m guessing the worst of it was the malware that was probably installed on the (again, public) computer I was using to test my search; my assumption is if they’re giving away such stuff for free they are recouping either in ad revenues or by hacking your computer and STEALING your banking information.

I found none of this particularly appealing, but again, that’s just me. I’m sure other people really enjoy having random malware and viruses installed on their computer. There’s probably a fetish group catering to them. Rule 34, don’tcha know.

So when people tell me they’ve ACCIDENTALLY found themselves on a terrible, terrible site, I let them talk, but it’s like, yeah, RIGHT, pal. An ACCIDENT. That link was labeled "Barney the Dinosaur", wasn't it? And that political candidate posting that virulently offensive thing on Twitter was HACKED!!! Granted, Mojo has become an embittered and cynical lass in the autumn years of her life, so it’s an uphill battle getting her to believe much of ANYTHING she reads on the internet. But no matter how doe-eyed and weepy the person claiming such things is when they are caught, I’m still gonna ask to pass the salt every time I hear it.