This Is Why Mojo Adores Mary Worth So....

Why does Mojo follow an ancient soap opera newspaper comic, even though it is a DYING MEDIUM and/or ART FORM? Because Mary Worth, besides being a predictable font of platitudes and inspirational quotes from smarter people, is also a STONE COLD BIATCH. Beneath the overly-neighborly smile and grandmotheresque "come in and have some milk and cookies while I meddle in your life, dear" this woman is at heart RELENTLESSLY DARWINIAN.

Ferinstance, here's her response today when she hears a doctor at the hospital was actually a closet DRUG ADDICT. Others might convey a certain amount of sympathy or concern. Mary SPITS ON SUCH FOOLS!


The eyebrow just sez it all, don't it? "Oh, sure, WEAK people are prone to human weakness, perhaps! But you forget, chump: I'm MARY WORTH."

BAM! Don't ever change, Mary! Mojo can only ASPIRE to be that cold!

Of course, this could be the signal for a new plot line in which Mary is subjected to some humiliating experience that brings her own frailties into sharper focus. They've done that before... once.

Then again, if Mary Worth just fed a stray cat it would be FAR more interesting than the current plot of SPECIAL ANGEL CHILD GETS A CYST REMOVED AND HER PARENTS BUY HER A CAMERA AFTER SHE FALLS IN THE SWIMMING POOL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. You would think such a title, all chockablock with potential, would be a veritable cesspool of excitement, but... no. It was deadly dull, and I spent a great deal of my life actively wishing a small fictional child would die. Which—unlike Mary Worth—I felt vaguely guilty about, instead of smugly superior. I chalk it up to my human weakness and beg Mary's stern forgiveness.

So here's hoping the Fates decide to slap Mary Worth around a bit for her hubris. Hey, my birthday is next Tuesday! Shouldn't I get such a nice birthday gift?



ReSiSt tHe uRgE tO sTaRt ReAdiNg tHe sUnDaY cOmIcS.