I'VE BEEN HACKED!!!

No, not really. I'm just practicing for that inevitable time when I might accidentally post something so egregious, so utterly offensive, that all right-thinking people, if not mortally offended, will at least have the passing thought, "Geez Mojo, what WERE you thinking?"

I believe this is how the sequence works (Mind you, I use "works" in as loose a way as you can possibly imagine):

1. Post said nasty, awful, offensive thought, joke, or nude selfie only meant for an ardent admirer (even better if they're underaged). Because let's face it, that's how Mojo rolls in the first place. (Or at least WOULD if her dang MOTHER wasn't reading this blog all the time. But I digress.)

2. Be utterly shocked when one-a them sensitive, whiny, trouble-making types somehow takes offense to your obvious genius. (Incidentally, if anyone ever criticizes you online for anything, they are CLEARLY JEALOUS. But again, I digress.)

3. Try to DEFEND said nasty, nasty thing with increasingly shrill vociferousness.

4. Somehow fail miserably, despite your shrill tone and unpleasant behavior.

5. Attack the attackers. Perhaps threaten them with bogus legal action for DARING to TALK about that thing you publicly posted. DOUBLE POINTS if you defend yourself with the First Amendment/Free Speech while simultaneously issuing legal threats against the speech of your detractors. (Now, THAT's some doin'!)

6. Meet Barbra Streisand. Do not enjoy this Brush With Greatness, even though it is apparently Every American's Dream to someday meet a Real (or even a Pathetically Manufactured) Celebrity. (I don't mean to imply Barbra Streisand is a manufactured celebrity. I think she's pretty talented, though her now-legendary lawsuit was woefully misguided. I'm mostly talking about today's reality show nitwits who somehow THINK they're celebrities.)

7. THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART THAT WILL MAGICALLY SAVE YOUR BACON, HONEST: Finally pull the offending thing from public view and scream "I'VE BEEN HACKED!!!" to everyone who will listen. Keep repeating the word "HACKED" until someone believes you. That might take a while, so it's best to practice now in preparation for The Big Show. Let's all say this together, shall we? "I'VE BEEN HACKED!!!"

8. Spend the next year or so getting all twitchy and saying "WHAT?" in an overly-innocent yet belligerent manner every time someone looks at you.

9. Endure being the laughingstock of the innertubes until someone else does not learn from your experience and tries the same thing. I give this six months--a year, tops--before people get tired of mocking you. (NOTE: This uncomfortable experience will only lengthen if you turn around and do the exact same thing again.)

10. Go through the rest of your life all surly and resentful. You're pretty sure you're somehow the victim, here. But despite your obvious genius, in this case you just can't figure out exactly WHERE Things Went Wrong.

tl;dr ultimate takeaway lesson in all of this: Everyone in the world is wrong except for you.

To comfort you in this lonely time, Mojo wrote a song a while back. It's pretty terrible in a purposefully annoying sort of way, but so are the dreadful, dreadful feels you will be feeling just about now. Plus, I suspect anyone who would go through all of the above steps probably ain't the most discriminating of palates in the first place. And since that pesky First Amendment won't silence your critics (nor the existence of this terrible song), you can at least take solace and comfort in the incessant whining of a fellow innocent, butterfly-esque soul WRONGED BY AN UNCARING WORLD.

You're welcome.

Mojo