IN WHICH Mojo Solves the Whole Facebook Mess, and Treats the World to Her Very First Infographic!

Mojo should probably state up front that she has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING PERSONAL against Martha Stewart. Quite the opposite; a bootstrappin' gal like Martha is an inspiration to all capitalistic womankind. My only issue with Martha is that Mojo is not really a girlie-girl, and consequently has NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER in decorating the house. This is painfully evident to anyone who might happen to drop by the shanty-esque hovel where Mojo spends her days glowering out the cobwebby windows like some uglier, more psychotic and far less talented version of Emily Dickinson. (Think "Miss Havisham", without the charm.)

Now, if Mojo actually WATCHED television beyond cartoons, and if Martha were to forego decorating and place settings and deal exclusively with cooking (Mojo likes food) or gardening (Mojo likes plants) or petting various creatures (Mojo likes 'em all, except for ticks and mosquitos), then we could talk. But once the talk moves to fabrics Mojo's eyes glaze over. She'll try to be polite, because that's how she was raised, but There You Have It.

(Actually, Mojo is MOST INTERESTED right now in LAWN TRACTORS, if you must know. Our push mower has been in the shop for a MONTH now. With all the rain, the lawn is literally KNEE DEEP. Recent developments I shall not go into right now indicate the Favorite Husband will NOT be using the push mower this summer should it ever come home. Consequently there are times, in the dark hours, where our usually upbeat and optimistic Mojo quietly despairs at the notion of the lawn ever being mowed again. During these times of darkness, the usual skinflinty Mojo starts daydreaming about how nice it would be to have a riding lawn tractor with a mowing deck. Just ABANDON the push mower at the shop, and SPEND the money already! Other girls dream of jewelry; Mojo secretly pines for a tractor, yet will not buy one for herself until she has studied the market and determined the very best one she should get for her needs. It's a very long and involved process, because, well, Mojo is Mojo. But I digress.)

Anyway, this whole week has been just AGOG with all the news about the Facebook IPO and the various complaints thereof. I have been particularly inspired at the huffy, gaspy revelations that maybe, perhaps, there might have been selective disclosures in the process. Perhaps this is because the Facebook IPO attracted a lot of new people to the stock market--idealistic folks who have somehow convinced themselves that an overhyped IPO for a business that (Mojo suspects) is gonna be the next MySpace will somehow magically make them rich overnight. And when that DIDN'T happen, there's all these cries of anguish and allegations of wrongdoing all over the place. Which may or may not be true. Mojo doesn't know, and Mojo desn't particularly care.

Mojo is no expert, but she has been following the market and occasionally trading stocks for the past year or so. Mojo is ultra-cautious with her money (which is one reason why she's not swimming in lawn tractors yet), and rarely makes a move until she has done scads of research on a particular company. And no, in the interests of full disclosure, I have not researched Facebook ONE TINY BIT. Mojo has NEVER BEEN INTERESTED. Why? Because all hype and we're-gonna-be-rich-overnight aside, if you look at the charts of most IPOs, one of two things usually happens. It either TANKS right out of the starting gate, or (especially if it's hyped) it rises like crazy for the first day or week or so, and THEN tanks. In my limited experience, looking at the various charts of various other IPOs, your best bet (unless you're a wild speculator or day-trader) is to wait at least a month for the price to settle into the actual worth of the stock.

Of course, Mojo says all this with a couple of caveats. First off, I'm relatively new to this and don't generally know what the HELL I'm talking about. Second, I'm not a financial advisor. And third, Mojo is a nester. Mojo takes forever to pick a stock, but when she does she hangs onto it like grim death. She's not a little stock hussy who goes jumping from one to the other. Kudos to you if you are, but Mojo has enough stress in her life with the lawn not mowed, thankyewverymuch.

Anyway, I've been especially amused at all the scandalized cries of malfeasance over the Facebook IPO, over and above my own personal gut feeling that the stock is MySpace-waiting-to-happen and hence not worth investigating further. Mojo has a vague idea of what insider trading involves, and just by the vary nature of it she's pretty sure it goes on all the time. So why people get all scandalized and huffy about it is beyond me. Let's face it: living in my hovel deep in the woods, I do not have the opportunities nor the contacts (nor the overwhelming, burning desire) to really be in the loop for such things. But I think it's plain ol' human nature that, if you hear something legitimate about a stock you own, you're probably going to ACT on that knowledge. Nobody is going to sit there and LET their holdings tank. Mojo is a veritable Paragon of Virtue, we all know, but if she happened to hear about something to do with one of her stocks, and she determined it was legitimate information, heck, she'd probably act on it, and not even THINK "insider trading" until the cops showed up at the door.

So Mojo has always been kinda "iffy" on just how TERRIBLE A CRIME insider trading is. Again, I'm of the perhaps cynical opinion that it probably happens all the time. And that iffiness actually briefly turned to ANGER those years ago, when Martha Stewart was sent to friggin' JAIL for it. This was smack dab in the middle of Enron, and WorldCom, where thousands of people had their lives DESTROYED by a few greedy people. In the grand scheme of things, Martha Stewart wasn't DESTROYING anyone. Yet the Enron guys, for example, were still skippin' around for a year or two while she was railroaded off to jail. That STILL pisses me off.

So when I see everyone all up in arms about the Facebook IPO, it dawned on me, as crystal clear as a spring morning: the answer is simple. Send Martha Stewart back to jail. THAT's the way to deal with these alleged crooks! (Okay, so SHE might not be all that wild about my elegant solution, but eh. Whatcha gonna do.)

Since people nowadays don't like to read, I have taken the time to convey my case through the newfangled media known as an INFOGRAPHIC. Granted, it's not a very good one, since it is my first and I think I spent a whole hour on it. But it has everything to prove my case: obnoxious typefaces, crappy clip art, and a useless vertical display that just keeps the user scrolling down and down and down ad infinitum. At the end, I think (if you reach the end) you'll agree: I've got nothing against Martha, but clearly she needs to go back to jail. Hey, all those disappointed Facebook investors can't POSSIBLY be wrong!

Mojo's Martha Timeline