Vintage Carved Wood Banker Dude!

This smug fellow needs a good home. And, more importantly, he needs someone to change his karmic destiny and show him that money isn't everything. Not that Mojo sees anything wrong with making money and enjoying the fruits of one's labors, or even necessarily winning the lottery and basking in a bathtub full of currency. (Well, she does have a problem if people think they will actually become clean doing that, but hygiene aside it sounds like one of those fun foolish things one should do at least once in one's lifetime.)

Besides, if Mojo was one of those misquote-the-Bible money-is-the-root-of-all-evil people (it's the love of money that's the problem, methinks, not the money itself!) she wouldn't be bothering you here on eBay, now, would she? No, she would instead donate her crap to some deserving charity and then some poverty-stricken homeless person could enjoy Mister Qwackers or a Flying Cow Pile, or a vintage carved wood banker dude to mock his poverty.

Let me tell you the story of the Vintage Carved Wood Banker Dude. One of Mojo's friends (shocking, yes, but she does occasionally have friends, so long as they buy her nice gifts and don't needlessly annoy her in any way shape or form) had a father, now deceased, who was a big time banker dude. This guy was apparently instrumental (with his cronies at Bank of America) in coming up with the idea of credit cards and foisting them on the unsuspecting, relatively debt-free American public. In short, my friend sez her father was "the guy who invented the Visa card". I don't care enough to seriously explore this claim and will take her word for it, but the rest of this sad banker dude story offers anecdotal evidence that may support it, or at the very least does nothing to deny it.

This guy (my friend's father) liked his job a great deal--so much so that he was not quite so attentive to his daughter as she wanted him to be when she was growing up. Of course this was back when it was manly and expected of you to neglect your family to advance in your career, but she did not appreciate it nonetheless. She thought that if she gave him a gift he might take more notice of her. (Ooooh! This is so sad! This is why the carved wood banker dude must go to someone who can appreciate what he has to say without getting sucked in.) Since he (her father, again) was a banker and he liked banking, she found this carved wood banker dude, complete with his cigar and stacks of money and smug expression, and gave it to him. She thought (being a tender young child, poor dear) that if she showed such an interest in banking he would pay more attention to her.

Sadly he did not, according to her, and when he died she decided she wanted nothing to do with the carved wood banker dude. She was all like "Take it--I don't care what happens to it" and thus I offer it to whomever out there may want it. For all I know he will bring you untold riches—and if you want financial success and be the person to invent the next best thing since the Visa card he might be your guy. Mojo keeps an open mind on such things. But he could also serve as a reminder to what may happen to you should you befriend giant piles of money in lieu of other human beings. Sure, you might look all smug and happy. But when you die, wouldn't you rather have members of your family saying "Gee, I want to keep this little trinketey piece of crap because it reminds me of my dear Auntie Mojo" or do you want people to say "I can't wait to sell this garbage on eBay so I'm not reminded of that person, not ever again". Methinks the former, but maybe that's just me.

(Mojo is saying "methinks" a lot in this description. She hopes she does not sound too much like poor Queen Gertrude, another example of what may happen to you if you neglect your children while pursuing your own selfish desires. If you don't know who I'm talking about you really should get off eBay once in a while and read something other than item descriptions. Like, say, a little thing called "Hamlet", which much to my shock and dismay has very little to do with cured pork but is nonetheless very good in its own way and not quite so salty or fattening. Or you can watch it on television, you lazy beast you, assuming you watch the Derek Jacobi one and not the abridged mishmash that was the Mel Gibson laughfest. You'll like the Derek Jacobi one. Patrick Stewart plays Claudius. He's deliciously evil. And if you're a fan of the TV show Frasier you might remember Derek Jacobi doing a Patrick Stewart spoof (i.e. a famous Shakespearian actor only famous in America for doing a stupid TV show) and when the Crane brothers lure him back onto the stage he does this absolutely WONDERFUL over-the-top Hamlet death scene, complete with screaming and hyperventillating and collapsing and flailing. It was hysterical.)

Anyway, this carved wood banker dude stands about a foot tall and seems to be made out of several different types of wood. His money seems to be some sort of metal soldered together down the back. He has a little metal watch chain and perhaps metal nail buttons, but I'm not sure. His head has been glued rather sloppily onto his body, but I don't know if that is how he was purchased or if it was an accident and repair after purchase. I'm guessing he was bought some time in the Fifties, but I have no idea if he was bought new or used then. If people collect such things they will no doubt set me straight, and I will have yet another chance to look foolish in public.

And of course you get the Certificate of Craptacularity to accompany him, which we all know is worth so much more than all the riches of the world. So go ahead, bid away, max out that Visa card, and maybe you will win him. And regardless of winning or losing, if you have kids you should hug them once in a while and tell them you love them. Otherwise this might be YOUR carved wood banker dude up here, all smug and surrounded by money, and sadly all alone...