Why You Never Want Mojo Mad At You.

Why? I'll tell you why. Because Mojo KNOWS PEOPLE. That's why.

You see, Mojo herself is a laid back, lazy sorta gal who just wants to live her life with as little unpleasantness as humanly possible. You'll never see her at the forefront of some vast political movement, or doing tough investigative journalism, or seriously jumping on some bandwagon to praise the obviously praiseworthy or lambaste the obviously NOT praiseworthy. Mojo figures there's enough people already willing to do that, and many intellectually challenged people actually get all snippy and defensive when their motives or actions are questioned. And Mojo has learned, throughout her checkered life, that HER life is generally far too short to bother with such people. So long as they stay the HELL away from me and mine, aside from the entertainment value of watching them get totally pwned by more socially conscious folks, I really just like to stay out of it, for the most part.

Once in a while, though, I encounter those who somehow think "laid back" is the equivalent of "doormat". I don't know how this can be, but There You Have It. Either these people fail to grasp Mojo's Import to Society At Large, or they are unaware of my young adult interest in various martial arts that have left me somewhat softened in my middle age but still Able to Physically Hurt Someone Should the Situation Require It (it never has), or they don't quite grasp Mojo's ace in the hole: while she is a pleasant and amiable person, she Knows People who are Far Less Amiable. To put it mildly.

We all know there are some people who seem to go through life being as unpleasant as humanly possible. And while our parents warned us that no good will befall you if people don't like you, it turns out if you can be cruel and uncaring enough, people will give you your way just to be shed of you. Granted, I lack the ambition and/or the gumption to put this to the test myself--some sort of whiny random thoughts about having to live with myself afterward--but I've watched others perform the most breathtaking acts of making oneself unpleasant, where I am just standing on the sidelines agape with wonder, and they breeze through life being handed things right and left.

A recent perusal of my mail yesterday really brought this home. Somewhere around Christmas time, a fairly well-to-do acquaintance threw a holiday party at a local restaurant for about fifty of their closest friends, and Mojo and her Favorite Husband were, uh, EXPECTED to attend. You know how Mojo is all laid back and everything? Well, this person is just about the EXACT OPPOSITE. And they are in the sort of Social Position in which, if they are not happy, by golly you'd better do something proactive to MAKE THEM HAPPY, or life as you know it is going to get Distinctly Unpleasant.

Sadly, the banquet facility--which was a very nice place, don't get me wrong, and the food was good, too--did not realize who they were dealing with at the time, and gladly took the reservation for fifty or seventy-five people or whatever was there. Open bar, bad standup comic entertainment, the whole nine yards. The facility ended up being rather busy that night, so while we were served endless mounds of food throughout the evening, dinner was a HAIR late, so we were still eating the main course while the bad standup comic did this truly awful twenty-minute routine that involved a woman somehow losing her genitalia in an industrial accident (wait, the funny part's still coming up), and--after about fifteen minutes of various and sundry descriptions of how a woman might lose her genitalia in an industrial accident in the first place (and, mind you, I am being extremely polite here; it is up to you and your filthy, filthy minds to come up with the varied vocabulary he was using throughout), the interminable "joke" finally led up to the punch line, which was that her husband left her. Hilarity ensued, you betcha.

But anyway, the only real damper on the evening was that I was not feeling well at the time--it was one of those Social Obligations one must endure to ensure that Unpleasant Acquaintance remains vaguely pleasant toward YOU--and I remember at one point looking down at my plate of chicken masala while hearing all these various less-than-endearing terms for female genitalia and kinda wondering, in my artless Mojo fashion, what I had done in a previous lifetime to have my present life coalesce into such a moment as this. I'm sure you know the feeling as well.

But I digress. Aside from that it really wasn't a bad place, and while I can't say I enjoyed the evening I have suffered far, far worse in my life. But that is laid-back Mojo talking, isn't it. Unpleasant Acquaintance, it turns out, was UTTERLY OUTRAGED at our apparently cruel, shoddy treatment by the restaurant. While I did not realize it, apparently Slightly Late Dinner is somehow akin to some of the worst travesties of justice to befall the human race throughout its history. And while I was not privy to The Scene, I am told by Those More Privy that there was, indeed, an expression of discontent, shall we call it, from our Unpleasant Acquaintance.

Which is why yesterday we received a letter from the restaurant. Because the facility manager begged Mojo's Unpleasant Acquaintance to let them set it right, totally unbeknownst to Mojo and probably others as well. The Unpleasant Acquaintance let it be known that it wasn't THEIR feelings that mattered, but their GUESTS who had to ENDURE such needlessly cruel HARDSHIPS. So while Mojo at first grumbled that she somehow got on the facility's mailing list, she was instead treated to the most heartrendingly sincere letter of penitence and apology from the restaurant manager, as well as a gift card for seventy-five bucks. This times the fifty or so couples who attended the soiree. So instead of making oodles of moneys off of our Unpleasant Acquaintance's party, the poor restaurant took a bath of thousands and thousands of dollars, since I have no doubt our Acquaintance got their party for free, as well.

So there ya have it. Treat Mojo good. Because if you don't treat ME good, you never know when I'll introduce you to someone else. So in short, today's lesson is, Mojo is a Very Pleasant Person, compared to Certain Others. And you should appreciate that.


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