Mister Qwackers the Magical eBay Duck!

Sometimes for instruction and illustration and just to tread water for a while (for Mojo is nothing if not lazy) I like to haul stuff that did not sell back out into the light and try to resell it. Modern advertising and copywriting prides itself on its ability to sell anything to anyone, no matter how crappy it may be. So I am occasionally determined to rid my house of certain objects, and to play the game properly I must do so on eBay.

Now, while it is my wont to pore over the failing item description, word by precious word, I will not bother here. If you must relive the painful past, you can find it on the mojocrap website, but I pray you don't bother. I totally phoned it in. It's just lame.There wasn't even a piddling attempt at creativity. I am ashamed to have the good Mojo name associated with such utter drivel. I apologize to you, fair Craptacular readers, for wasting your time, and I can almost see now why you chose to slash my tires in the mall parking lot. No, that wasn't you. And no, I didn't really have my tires slashed. I just tried to make a stupid joke to try to distract you from just how pathetically lame the old duck sponge holder description was. Obviously I have misjudged you and you are too wise for that. So I—QUICK! Look over THERE! I believe it's something SHINY!!!

Oh, you're still here. I'm so glad. Friends, passerby, random strangers and quasi-stalkers, I would like to introduce you to my new friend. His name is Mister Qwackers. Mister Qwackers the Magical eBay Duck. Mister Qwackers wuvs you. Mister Qwackers wants to be your fwend. What's that you say, Mister Qwackers? Oh, I see. Mister Qwackers only comes to magical life and lays real 24-karat golden eggs for GOOD little boys and girls who not only bid on him and win him but also those who WASH THEIR HANDS and perform other acts of basic personal hygiene on a fairly regular basis. Especially if they plan on serving food to his very good friend Mojo.

"Oh, no," I hear some eBayers cry. "But I've been handling filthy antiques and recycled packing materials all day! Now I can NEVER be friends with Mister Qwackers the Magical eBay Duck! So....um....does he really lay golden eggs?"

Luckily for you, kind eBayers, Mister Qwackers the Magical eBay Duck has a special gift to help his new friends stay clean! Right now he holds a sponge, but I don't why he couldn't hold a bar or soap or maybe a nail brush as well. Because remember, Mister Qwackers the Magical eBay Duck wants to be your fwend, but he can only be your fwend if you bid on him and then take the Mister Qwackers pledge to wash your hands once in a while. Because Mister Qwackers the Magical eBay Duck abhors a total lack of basic personal hygiene. He will help you, should you win him in the auction, by attractively holding various cleaning items nice and close to the sink. He measures around four inches high and four inches long, but he ain't no square!

At this point several eBayers are raising their filthy paws and shouting "Me! Me! I want to bid on Mister Qwackers! Say, uh, where exactly do those golden eggs come out? You know--so they won't break, is all."

(Shhh. You see how Mojo has cleverly roped a small, select band of gullible fools just DYING to bid on this ceramic duck sponge holder. Now, don't say anything, casual observer of Mojo's genius, or you might frighten them off before the deal is closed.)

"Say!" one of the brain trusts currently under Mojo's spell sez. "Isn't Mister Qwackers the Magical eBay Duck a BOY duck?"

(Aw, crap... there always has to be that one person who thinks for themselves, huh?)

"How can a boy duck—"

QUICK! BID!!! BID!!! Before someone else TAKES him from you!!! Mister Qwackers the Magical eBay Duck!!!You WANT him!!!! BID!!!!