Jones Soda 2005 Holiday Pack!

(Item note: I put down the item's condition as "New"--frankly I don't think there's too many people out there who might want to buy used food....)

This is the sort of awful, awful gift that certain members of my family live for. Yes, I know, some families get together and volunteer at a soup kitchen. Some families get together and dictate the mores of fashion and good taste so the rest of us know what to wear and how pathetic and inadequate we are. And then there are those families, such as mine, who scour the globe looking for gifts to bestow upon their relatives. Gifts like this.

Now for another odd, random childhood fact: I have always HATED soda. I can't STAND it. It's too sweet, and I don't like carbonation. The only time I drink soda is when I am feeling nauseous, 'cuz my mom always gave me Pepsi when I had a stomach bug. It's become a comfort drink—whenever I am feeling nauseous, which thankfully isn't that often, I start craving Pepsi. (We are a Pepsi family. Everyone except me drinks it like fiends. Me, I wouldn't be able to tell you one soda from another. I just drink Pepsi 'cuz it's the brand I grew up with.)

I'm guessing most of these sodas will not be "too sweet". At least some of them—I can't vouch for the Cranberry Sauce and the Pie flavors. So will I open them? No. Like I said, I don't like soda, and I REALLY don't like surprises. So surprise I leave that privilege to you, kind eBayer, assuming you have adventurous tastebuds and a tendency not to be litigious toward certain bright, sunny, innocent, doe-eyed eBay sellers named Mojo who has sold you something totally digusting.

Yep, you've read about it, you've heard about it—the Jones Soda 2005 Holiday pack! What can be more Craptacular than Turkey and Gravy flavored soda? Well, how about Turkey and Gravy flavored soda sold almost six months past when it was supposed to be sold? Yum. I can't find a "pull" date or an expiration date on this stuff, so I have no idea how long it may be fit for human consumption, assuming it was fit to drink in the first place. All I can tell you is, I stopped drinking alcohol in college over twenty years ago when I got j-u-s-t tipsy enough to think I could drink five-year-old canned beer with no ill effects. (Let's just say there WERE ill effects. Very BAD ill effects. Epic, epic nightmare-inducing ill effects.)

The pack is unopened, but the plastic shrinkwrap has been punctured in several places, so it's not quite "pristine". You get the usual cast of bad guys here—Turkey and Gravy soda, Wild Herb Stuffing Soda, Brussel Sprout soda, Cranberry soda and Pumpkin Pie soda. You will also get the Certificate of Craptacularity, which, while not usually meant for this purpose, may possibly be absorbent enough to serve as a paper towel should there be a sudden need for some sort of cleanup. I won't say how that could possibly happen—but let's just say if my highly unfortunate experience with elderly beer applies to elderly soda, you might want to get a nice, soft stain-proof cushion for your bathroom, and put it right there next to the toilet. Yup, snooker it right in there in front of that baby. Your knees will thank you.

So happy bidding, happy drinking....or please, I beg you, give this one away. Maybe to someone you REALLY don't like. Because if this stuff is indeed past due or expired or whatever they call it in the soda world, you could send someone to the hospital if they're drunk enough to drink it. Mojo speaks from SAD EXPERIENCE here. HEED MY WARNINGS!