Wizard Fortune-Telling Thingie!

Mojo fancies herself an open-minded skeptic about many things. She tends to prefer empirical, reproducible data over anecdotal evidence. This is not to say that the anecdotes are wrong. It just means that More Evidence Is Needed before Mojo will be comfortable with whatever conclusion she ultimately draws. Like they say, the more extraordinary a claim, the more extraordinary the proof should be to support that claim.

(She will admit, however, to a definite bias against those who make wads of money from their extraordinary claims. If someone insists on something where I feel More Evidence Is Needed and is making fistfuls of dough off said claim (usually from certain misguided, delusional or just folks with bad critical thinking skills), I have the unfortunate tendency to jump to the conclusion that this person is probably not on the up-and-up. Especially if said person starts shrieking loudly that any probing questions are counter-productive or Detrimental to the Life Force or other such arguments. The more hysteria said person projects upon being questioned, the more Mojo sez "hmm." But once again, I digress.)

Mojo belongs squarely in the decidedly knee-jerk Money-Changes-Everything camp. If LOTS of money is involved, goes my conclusion, the data behind the claims should be scrutinized all the more, much to the apparent dismay of those being questioned. Don't take it personal; it's just the way she is. Objectively, Mojo realizes such a reaction when there is no evidence to back up her conclusion is just as bad as wholesale acceptance. But despite her many fine qualities, Mojo is only human and subject to the occasional emotional outburst while her rational brain is taking a nap in the sun. (Indeed, it is these misguided snarky outbursts that some of us find so entertaining about her. Without them she'd be just another boring stick in the mud pretending to be so much better than everyone else.)

I expect nothing less than such healthy skepticism from YOU, my devoted, intelligent, good-lookin' Craptacular reader. If I claim something you think is over the top, I expect you to question my very right to exist. Because given the vast sums Craptacular auctions may go for, who's to say that, despite her professed integrity and selfless quest for knowledge and Truth, Mojo might not be swayed (consciously or subconsciously) by the dollar signs floating around the eBay universe? Would Mojo ever stoop to questionable claims and shilly showmanship just to unload a particularly vile piece on some unsuspecting schmoe drawn in by her seductive wordplay? Heaven forefend! Why, I am SHOCKED and SPUTTERING that anyone would EVER accuse MOJO of such a horrific thing! I NEVER! Why, such a HIDEOUS ACCUSATION does not even warrant the DIGNITY of a REPLY!!!!!

Which is what makes this next Craptacular item all the more MAGICAL and LIFE-CHANGING! Mojo has been over this several times, herself. In her quest to offer you only the Very Best Crap she has taken this item to some of the most credible yet anonymous paranormal EXPERTS in the WORLD, at great personal expense (though don't ask me for the receipts, it seems I have temporarily misplaced them, but certainly you'll take my WORD for it, won't you?). I dared THEM, as I dare YOU, to come up with a RATIONAL explanation for how this thing works. I think even the most skeptical and intelligent Craptacular readers will be struck by the eerie, inexplicable qualities of this INCREDIBLE device. And I think you will agree, if we could only tap this energy for my own selfish purposes.... hmmm....

"What is it?" you are now shrieking. It's a WAKE THE WIZARD crystal ball masquerading as some sort of "game". But should you experience for yourself the freaky power of this contraption, you will agree such mind-bending, astonishing, life-changing power should not be left in the hands of children! Because with this simple-seeming fortune-telling device, they could end up ruling the world, and the US economy would cease to be driven by eBay Craptaculars and instead revolve around candy stores and pizza restaurants crawling with ball pits and claw machines and large-headed cartoon animals. And we certainly don't want that, not with the snazzy new car Mojo is eyeing. No, I feel this will only be safe in the hands of a mature, intelligent Craptacular fan. Someone who understands and respects the heavy weight of responsibility that comes with owning a magical wizard fortune-telling ball. Or, as the packaging describes it, "The Enchanted Talking Crystal Ball".

This thing IS used. It was given to me by a person who was professionally associated with the creator (probably not anymore once they see this auction) and it is/was a prototype. That's probably why the box sez "BOX" on it. Either that or the people who gave it to me are too stupid to recognize a cardboard box when they see it and wrote that on there to remind them. "Prototype" sounds much more exciting than it actually is, just like my very first paying job (as a toy tester for a nationally-known toy company) sounds really exciting and fun instead of the tedious reality it really was. This prototype is essentially the exact same thing as the actual product, only older.Without going into too much technical detail (otherwise you Craptacular readers (who—let's face it—are really too smart for your own good sometimes) will attempt to replicate this device, and THEN we'd really be in trouble) you throw a bunch of AA batteries into the base (supplied by Mojo, because she wuvs you and really because she's too durn lazy to open the thing again after making sure it works) and turn on the switch on the bottom.

(How convenient! I'm sure many psychics and fortune-tellers would appreciate their own on/off switch so they wouldn't be bothered all the time by those pesky entities—I mean, let's face it, there are moments in life when we all want our privacy! I thank heavens I'm not psychic 'cuz I have a shy bladder anyway and the last thing I need is the image of some all-seeing entity tapping its ethereal foot or looking at its cosmic watch while waiting for me...oh, great, now I have that image stuck in my head. Mojo predicts bad times ahead for her the next time she has to use a public bathroom. See how my fortune-telling abilities have improved just by proximity to this thing!)

For some freaky reason this Miracle Genius Ball will only work in a well-lighted room. You "wake the wizard" by passing your hand over it. It blinks colored lights and makes noises. You then ask it a yes or no question and pass your hand over it again for the answer. My scientific theory (oooh! See how I suddenly add the cache´ of AUTHORITY to my off-the-cuff ramblings by tacking the word "scientific" onto it!) is it somehow transmutes the light energy (aka "photons") into fortune-telling energy (aka "fortons") through a cosmic entity that has revealed itself to me (and only to me; imagine that!) as being named the Technofortunoscoper. (See how I mix real scientific terms with made-up gibberish terms that SOUND scientific! Gosh, I'm good!)

But let's not take my word for it! No, Craptacular readers demand PROOF! They question everything I say, and bother me day and night with their inane, probing inquiries. So let's turn to the Wizard himself and see what he has to say about himself. I swear on a stack of bibles, this is a true and accurate transcript of our interaction:

MOJO: Yo, Technofotunoscoper! (Note: Mojo does not actually say "yo". She has included it here to appear folksy and cool. Another reason to question every tiny thing she says.) Is Mojo accurately describing your magical powers to her breathless audience?

WIZARD: It doesn't look good.

MOJO: Do you feel you are truly worthy of the grand Craptacular tradition? I mean, Mojo doesn't just take ANY ol' thing!

WIZARD: The ghost from the future says "good chance".

MOJO: (Oh, my! This is the first I've heard of this "Ghost from the Future". Mojo is operating under a truism of American libel law that says dead people can't sue for libel.) Would the Ghost from the Future's heirs be inclined to... say.... react in a Negatively Litigious Fashion should their beloved ancestor get made fun of in.... oh, let's just hypothetically say.... a Craptacular auction?

WIZARD: Absolutely.

MOJO: Okay, now you're scaring me. What if I give you a cut of the profits? Are we cool then?

WIZARD: Good question. No.

MOJO: Last question, Technofortunoscoper. Do you think Mojo will be smart enough to remember to turn off the on/off switch on your bottom before she ships you?

WIZARD: It's not in the cards.

There ya have it. Straight from the Technofotunoscoper's ... uhhh... speaker. I hope this hasn't freaked you out too much to bid. Because I gotta tell you, I need to get this thing out of my house before it starts ruling my life. Just promise me you will only use the awesome power of the Technofortunoscoper for good. We'll all be bitterly disappointed if you start making gazillions in the stock market with this thing instead of promoting World Peace. Unless, of course, you give me a cut....

As usual, you get a Certificate of Craptacularity so when you regift this baby to some deserving person their eyes will well up with emotion over your caring and concern. Or maybe they'll beat the tar out of you; I don't know. Ask the Wizard. Maybe he will know what lies in your future...... (whoooooooo!)