Back when Mojo's beloved Favorite Husband was a somewhat moronic teenaged boy goofing off with his somewhat moronic teenaged male friends, in a rare display of future wit and intelligence he (and they) started referring to McDonald's Chicken McNuggets as "Chicken McLigaments". And, admittedly, when Mojo first heard this (she was probably teenaged at the time, for I first met my Favorite Husband at the tender age of eighteen, although by then he was a so-much-more-mature twenty-one year old) aside from the usual polite giggling expected of a teenaged girl when the boys around her act like imbeciles, this was one moment wherein I was actually amused, and we've called them "Chicken McLigaments" ever since. Not that I've ever ordered them, although I think I've tried them a couple of times. They came out around the time McDonalds started losing its appeal to Mojo's maturing tastebuds.

The genius behind making them palatable, of course, is dipping them in batter and deep-frying them. I think you could eat just about ANYTHING if you batter and fry it. (A recent episode of American Dad pretty much used this fact to try to drive an entire half-hour plot. Gee, and they wonder why it doesn't do so well in the ratings. But I digress.) Mojo's Favorite Husband, having various digestive troubles through his career, abhors anything that has been fried and declares it is all horrible poison. Mojo recognizes it is awfully bad from a health perspective and hence she does not usually eat fried foods, but unlike him I will admit I still like the taste and rather WISH I could eat more foods that have been deep fat fried. But I acknowledge such cravings would quickly turn me into some sort of freaky whale should I indulge this longing for fat. So I don't.

This is not about fried food at all, or even Chicken McLigaments, but instead Mojo is merely noting that, what makes the Chicken mcLigaments so tasty is the whole batter-dipping deep-frying action. If Mickey D's didn't do that, they would have what I am about to talk about.

Being the Healthy Gal that Mojo is, instead of fried food I am more likely to have, oh, say, a turkey sandwich. With some mayo or honey mustard, and lettuce or spinach and tomato. Maybe a sprinkle of black olives, if I am in a place that has black olives. And not so much turkey, to be honest--my Depression-era inlaws marvel and shriek for DAYS if they are given an "overstuffed" sandwich but to be honest I don't like attempting to plow through a pound of deli meat in one sitting. Just a slice or two is fine.

My Favorite Husband, who does all the shopping, buys a pound or so of the very best turkey you can get at the deli, and he makes them slice it extra-thick, so it's like a quarter-inch thick. (This is very hard to do, for despite the deli insisting you can order your food sliced to the thickness you desire, many of the slicer monkeys remain UTTERLY CONVINCED my Favorite Husband MUST be mistaken, and after solicitously inquiring as to how he wants it sliced proceeds to shave the meat as they always do. Which is a perennial complaint my poor Favorite Husband has. But again I digress.) The result is not quite homemade bird, but it's close enough for government work, as the saying goes. Mojo puts about half a slice in her sandwich and she is the happiest girl on the planet. Give me the simple life...

But then you go somewhere else. And you order a turkey sandwich. And the sandwich shop, trying to cut corners and whatnot, gives you a sandwich chock full of what Mojo calls Gelatinous Goo Turkey. This, as far as I can tell, is Turkey Processing Plant floor sweepings, bound together by some sort of gelatinous goo to form what deli people used to call a "loaf" until it eventually dawned on them that most people do not wish to eat animal products that have been formed into a "loaf". (Remember "olive loaf"? I sure do. Guess my childhood wasn't as idyllic as I let on, huh?) If you want to be a snobby foodie you can call the gelatinous goo part "aspic" but I've pretty sure it's still made from hooves and tendons and Mojo wants no part of it anywhere near her face, let alone ingested.

So this is how it all ties together. As far as Mojo can tell, these really cheap deli turkey "loaves" are essentially GIANT Poultry McLigaments without the benefit of batter-dipping and frying. If Mickey D's were to take their McNuggets out of the freezer and just lay them on the counter until they thawed and then served them in a box, that would be the rough equivalent of Gelatinous Goo Turkey you get at some sandwich shops. And when they shave it extra-thin it just adds to the general horror. Trust me.

Anyway, enjoy your morning! As for me, I'm going on a smoothie bender for a week. No gelatinous goo there, just fruit and vegetables and yogurt beasties....

Mojo