What's almost as good as a Harvard degree but a lot less money and work? Must be a vintage Harvard beer stein! Yes, now you too can pretend you're one of the Old Boy Network and impress your beer-swilling pals with this-here beer stein. I'm not sure how old it is, but it was the property of a friend's father so I'm guessing it's probably older than me, which puts it around fifty. I don't know if he went to Harvard or not. All I know is, he had this-here beer stein, and now *I* am blessed with it. Lucky, lucky me. And soon to be lucky, lucky YOU if you win this auction!
On the bottom there is a stamp that says it is "COPYRIGHT 1952 BY ERIC P MINAR" (sp? I can't read it too good). Another stamp assures us it was made in West Germany. No commies here! There is another stamped number "2" dead center, and a printed number 4. I have no idea what any of this means. Ceramic people and/or beer stein people can fill us in, and I will smile and nod and pretend to be interested. And no--to be honest, I would be mildly interested. Really. Just don't test me on it a day later, because at this stage of my life if information is not necessary for my immediate survival I tend to forget it relatively quickly.
This lovely stein stands about 9 inches tall. It is ceramic with what appears to be a pewter top. Maybe it's cheesy fake pewter--I can't tell the difference. There are three panels on it. The first is Harvard's crest or logo or whatever it is, with the word "VERITAS" spelled out on open books. The middle panel claims to be a bucolic scene representing the Widener Library. I've never been there, so I guess I must take the stein's word for it. And the last panel depicts a statue of John Harvard, who is either the school's founder or just a random statue of some guy with the last name of "Harvard". The history of Harvard is not my strong suit, except a vague knowledge that it's old for America, probably THE oldest. So there you are.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this stein aside from some tarnish spots on the inside of the pewter top (which is why I wonder if it is pewter) and a very minor "ding" in the pewter that looks like something fell on it at once point in its checkered past and a perhaps drunken moron tried to rub out the spot. The only other thing I can find wrong with it is my own personal conviction that most beer steins are butt-ugly. Indeed I wonder sometimes if someone claiming to be a Harvard grad would want to purchase such an atrocity, but apparently some people collect these things and I've seen others I consider far uglier than this one. To each his own.
So celebrate the true meaning of higher education by swilling your beer from this classy-type beverage holder! After filling this 1/2 liter baby once or twice even your smartest friends (and you know they're not as smart as you, 'cuz THEY don't have a Harvard beer stein, now, DO they?) will be utterly convinced that you actually went to Harvard.
And if by the off chance you actually DID go to Harvard (which frankly wouldn't surprise me, since loyal Craptacular readers are yes-indeedy awful smart people in general), you can now prove it to your cynical yeah-sure-ya-did pals who all went to lesser schools by casually serving them drinks in this handsome (*cough!*) beer stein thingie. Because nothing sez "class" like a beer stein.
And hey! If you get tired of seeing that silly Harvard diploma on the wall, all written out in Latin that you don't understand anyway, why not replace it with an easy-to-understand American English mostly-simple-words Certificate of Craptacularity? Now THAT's class! Because let's face it, even if you really DID go to Harvard, if people see your diploma they are going to PRETEND they're not impressed with it. They're going to be all super-casual and like, "Oh, I see you went to Harvard? That's cool... I guess..." unless they are the ultra-hippie liberal type in which case you are in for a very long lecture about how you personally are What's Wrong With The World. Although what that sort of person is doing in your house in the first place is beyond me.
Anyway, as proud as you might be about your academic achievements, trust me: people are going to downplay them so they won't feel inferior to you. Besides, over its several-hundred year old history Harvard has given out HOW many diplomas? THOUSANDS, I'm sure. Pffft! A Certificate of Craptacularity is MUCH more rarer-like. Your friends will act real cool around your Harvard diploma, but show them the certificate that will come with this stein and watch them light up! "WOW! You've got one-a THOSE!"
So there you have it. A vintage Harvard beer stein, complete with a frameable Certificate of Craptacularity. The best of all possible worlds. (Oh, look! She's quoting Voltaire! Wow, that Mojo is one smart babe! Hey, ya know, maybe she shoulda gone to Harvard! Yeah, right....) You can pretend you went to Harvard, you can drink beer at a half liter a clip (a "liter" is a fancy European way of saying "quart", in case you weren't paying attention when they tried to teach you the metric system in seventh grade, though I suspect if you really went to Harvard you hopefully know that already), and you can show off your Certificate of Craptacularity to your easily-impressed drunken moron friends. Everybody wins. And that's what makes the Craptacular so special, huh? Everybody wins. Well, except you. But you always sort of suspected that anyway, haven't you? Poor creature. Quick, bid on this antique beer stein and watch your world magically turn around. Yeah, that'll happen. Good luck!