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I Finally Did It.
Submitted by mojo on Tue, 01/13/2009 - 10:04am
What, you ask breathlessly? Or, rather, "What?" you ask breathlessly. Usually Mojo agrees that adverbs are expendable, but clearly in this case I simply HAVE to convey--despite the simple fact that words cannot adequately express the GROWING EXCITEMENT you are no doubt feeling--the rising tide of expectation and longing sweeping the country as the Craptacular inches closer and closer to once again becoming a reality.
However you choose to express this excitement, I must announce that yesterday, after overcoming a growing sense of procrastination and whatnot, I finally sat down and, um, "composed" the Craptacular's particularly inane earworm of a jingle. If by "composed" I mean, I sat at my midi keyboard and fiddled around a bit and shrieked repeatedly into a mike until I noticed the animals were trying to call the Humane Society and turn me in for cruelty. (Thank heavens the phone is not meant to be operated by paws, or I'd be in the slammer right now.)
Why, you ask (or, rather, "Why? WHY? Oh dear lord in heaven, WHY?"), does the Craptacular need a jingle? For several reasons, which Mojo shall now relate.
First, all of the Big Boys have a jingle. Many of the Medium Boys have a jingle. Some of the Pathetically Small and Weak have a jingle. Even the remarkably incompetent car dealer where we bought our car has a jingle. So Mojo decided--long, long ago--that the Craptacular needed a jingle.
Second, once that decision was made, I started humming inanities in my head until this one beat out the others in a bloody Darwinian struggle and started haunting me in my sleep.
Third, well, um, I guess when Mojo sez "several", she actually means "two". Which, let's face it, with HER math skillz, is REALLY getting up there in the stratosphere.
It could very well be I am subconsciously plagiarizing someone else's jingle, so I apologize in advance if indeed this proves to be the case. It is so very, very wretched, however--at least MY version is, though I'm sure if this has a SERIOUS COMPOSER lurking somewhere in the background YOUR version is like a TOTAL work of art--that I seriously DOUBT anyone is going to step forward and claim ownership. I mean, most people *DO* have some semblance of dignity.
Unless, of course, you are a shameless moneygrubber like Mojo and you think for some odd reason that this jingle is somehow going to make Mojo GAZILLIONS of dollars. To which I say, I *really* don't think so. Stranger things have happened in this world, but I see this as mostly a petty annoyance in keeping with Mojo's proud tradition of trying everyone's patience until they are ready to slap her in the back of the head as she walks innocently past them. I'm thinking this, uh, jingle is going to have most of my former supporters seriously trembling on the brink, so to speak. It is *THAT* dreadfully wretched. I mean, wretched on an EPIC SCALE. Category SIX wretched.
So let's here it, you are now saying enthusiastically! (Or--gosh, are you as sick of this construction as I am? Just how freakin' AWKWARD can Mojo word things? Huh?) To which I say "Heh". Followed by, "You know, friend, you are going to be SO SICK of hearing this stupid inane wretched jingle I am NOT going to inflict you with it needlessly. Wait for the Craptacular proper. You'll be oh so glad you did. Trust me.
LOOK! LOOK! MOJO STUFF!