A Not-So-Subtle Distinction

Submitted by mojo on Thu, 10/09/2008 - 5:47am

You will note, as the glorious festivities continue, that this is Squirrel Awareness Week. It is NOT Hug-a-Squirrel Week. So please, people, if you are attempting to HUG our tiny-brained friends, PLEASE STOP IMMEDIATELY.

Why, you ask, as you continue to chase them. Well, as my idol C.M. Burns once said, "Don't take my word for it--let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what HE thinks!"

You know how squirrels have those cunning little paws? Take a look at what's on the end of them. CLAWS. Sharp, sharp claws.

And do you know what's in that furry little head? No brains, I assure you. There's no room after they fit in those GIANT NUT-CRUSHING TEETH.

So anyone who might wish to actually attempt to hug a squirrel will soon find the animal using these primitive tools to effect an escape. They will start to burrow, and take the easiest path of least resistance.

Mojo assumes that will be your innards.

This has been another public service announcement for the betterment of stupid people.

Mojo


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I saw a squirrel run up a

Submitted by HHH (not verified) on Sat, 10/11/2008 - 9:23am.

I saw a squirrel run up a tree with a full sized ice cream cone in the park.
I'm possibly the only person to ever see that happen.

But maybe not. Google image

Submitted by HHH (not verified) on Sat, 10/11/2008 - 9:25am.

But maybe not. Google image search shows squirrel eating iece cream cone.

Squirrels like ice cream?

Submitted by Mary Jo on Sun, 10/12/2008 - 12:25pm.

Squirrels like ice cream? Mojo likes ice cream. Hmmm. Maybe squirrels aren't quite as stupid as Mojo always suspected they were. Or, maybe Mojo's not as bright as she thinks she is. I will have to ponder this over more ice cream....

Indeed

Submitted by HHH (not verified) on Sun, 10/12/2008 - 7:32pm.

Indeed

And do you know which kind

Submitted by HHH (not verified) on Sun, 10/12/2008 - 7:38pm.

And do you know which kind of squirrel I saw with said cone?
An American Grey.
Why?
Because when they were introduced they bloody over-ran the place, pushing out good olde heartie Englishe squirrels all the way to Scotland.
We don't need them Yankee, we don't need your McDonalds, your missile bases or your damned squirrels, SO TAKE THEM BACK!!!

We'll come take the

Submitted by Mary Jo on Mon, 10/13/2008 - 5:48am.

We'll come take the squirrels when you guys come over here and get your stoopid STARLINGS!!!

Some moronic "Shakespeare Society" decided America wasn't complete until we had every single bird mentioned by Shakespeare. Legend has it they started by releasing some starlings in Central Park about a hundred years ago. Filthy, noisy creatures! You can have them! (We'll keep the Shakespeare, however....)

BTW--

Submitted by Mary Jo on Mon, 10/13/2008 - 7:44am.

You can keep the McDonalds and the missile bases. I certainly don't want 'em back.
Suggestion: use the Micky D's as target practice until you run out of ammo. I imagine the resulting grease fire will be quite spectacular.

OK what's the

Submitted by HHH (not verified) on Mon, 10/13/2008 - 11:24am.

OK what's the squirrel/starling exchange rate, maybe we can cut a deal.
Mind you, with the UN tellingus to cut down on meat for the sake of the environment, I can think of a new free-range-hormone-free-compassionately-reared product line for McCrapald's.
As for the missiles, it's OK, we'll even give them a clean for you before we give them back. Or we could just give them to a charity.

That's a tough one--

Submitted by Mary Jo on Tue, 10/14/2008 - 10:39am.

GB's smaller than the US, so you probably have less squirrels than we have da boids. Also--not from personal experience, but my understanding from cultural stereotypes is--squirrels at least are somewhat edible, whereas I have never heard even them most backwards mountain man ever say starlings were yummy.

Maybe we could kill two birds--or at least a bird and a squirrel--with one stone by suggesting Micky D's put squirrel on the menu. It can only improve their offerings....

140,000,000 starlings to

Submitted by hhh (not verified) on Tue, 10/14/2008 - 1:47pm.

140,000,000 starlings to 4,000,000 squirrels.

Grey squirrels soon to be usurped by black, high testosterone mutant squirrels, BTW (true).

Yeah, I've noticed them too!

Submitted by Mary Jo on Fri, 10/17/2008 - 9:04am.

When I was a wee lass I NEVER saw a black squirrel until I visited my aunt up in Canada. She had one in her back yard. Now they're freakin' EVERYWHERE. My Favorite Mother insists they are smarter than the grey ones. I have my doubts about that theory, but you see them all the time, now, so maybe they are indeed taking over.

Of course, being smarter than your average grey squirrel is sort of like bragging you are taller than an ant. Not setting the bar all that high....

Ah, so they are imports

Submitted by Anonymous Crap Fan (not verified) on Sat, 10/18/2008 - 6:17pm.

Ah, so they are imports too.
I want to know who has the job of measuring squirrels testosterone levels (someone has), and why?