"I Love My Country Home"
Pillow-Type Decorative Implement/Apparent Deathtrap

Yeah, I live out in the country. Yeah, we used to have chickens, though we owned Rhode Island Reds and not this generic artist's representation of what appears to be a Barred Plymouth. And yeah, I do rather like my house, despite its many flaws, although I don't think it's quite strong enough to call "love". A family member, say—yes, then it would be love, and quite frankly, I would abandon my beloved country home and live with them under a bridge if the situation warranted. While I enjoy living here, I would not say that about my house. Still, people use "love" to mean lesser sorts of love—like, say, chocolate—so I guess I COULD say I "love" my country home in the sense that, if I DIDN'T "love" it, I would probably move. I mean, duh.

Besides, I just have this THING against stating the obvious. I love other things, too, like family and friends and cookies and family and friends bringing me cookies. (Nothing with fruit in them, please. I'm a plain chocolate person if you feel the need to add stuff to stuff. Unless it's, like, spaghetti. I 'd rather you didn't add chocolate to spaghetti. Well, I guess you COULD, but I won't eat it, which defeats the purpose of a nice gift, doesn't it?). What I don't love is the apparent need to advertise your love of inanimate objects all around your house. Who are you trying to convince, anyway? Like Gertude sez, methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Especially when the obvious is stated no less than SIX TIMES in a single square foot or so of space. And that's exactly what you get with this charming rustic beauty. Plus, even though it LOOKS like a pillow, the tag says it is "For Decorative Use Only". Frankly, I don't know what that means. It doesn't appear to be filled with broken glass and razor blades, so if some misguided person actually used it as a pillow I don't THINK they'll come to any harm. At least there's nothing all that horrible listed on the contents. Go figure.

In addition, the whole thing comes hermetically sealed in a plastic bag which, I discover, IS NOT A TOY. Not only is it NOT A TOY, but when you dispose of it you should TEAR UP THE BAG BEFORE THROWING AWAY. Better safe than sorry—I would advocate getting one of those hazmat suits and using a pair of tongs whenever you handle this pillow. Because I just won't be held responsible if you decide to use it for anything other than a decoration. And I mean it.

So if you still want this deathtrap masquerading as a pillow-shaped decoration (and who wouldn't, after it is described in such a fashion?)—or if indeed you happen to love your country home enough to state it six times on a small pillow—get your bids in now and good luck!