Schick Intuition Razor Free Sample!

Yes, my friends, Christmas magic has sunk to an all new low with this truly craptacular gift. I believe Santa himself gave me this. In my family, a gift from Santa can mean one of three things: a tiny stocking stuffer; a gift you give yourself but you don't want the family to know (not the case here I assure you); or a gift so putridly bad you are ashamed to attach your name to it for fear of reprisals. And believe me, my family WILL retaliate if you give them the slightest opportunity.

(For several years my family had a brick we used to give as a gift to other family members as a running joke. Our Brick Rules stated if they person guessed correctly it was The Brick before they opened their present, the giving didn't count and the brick owner had to try again. It lasted a couple of years until my mother got sick of trying to get rid of it (we kids got too wily for her) and ended up using it in her toilet tank to save water. (What a fascinating anecdote! Heartwarming AND environmentally responsible! Truly an inspiring tale of family togetherness and parental impatience with their children!))

Anyway, in this case Santa must have scraped the lint off the bottom of his sack before stooping to this. The box claims it's a free sample, but I can't tell from the copy if they mean it's a free sample of the razor, or the scented lather this thing apparently goos on you, or both. My guess is this is being marketed to the same slugs who are either too stupid and/or lazy to make their own peanut butter sandwiches and hence must buy them pre-made and frozen. What next in this societal slide toward infantile incompetence? I know (sez some overpaid executive): the growing market of women who for some reason forget to soap their legs prior to shaving them. I personally would not wish to give such obvious incompetents so much as a plastic butter knife, but this is America, so we are free to ply them with all manner of sharp objects and substances that are not meant to be taken internally.

The box warns you that there is a razor in it, so you'll at least have that much in your possession. The "Fresh Fragrance!" is "cucumber melon" as noted by the pastel green color. STUPID PEOPLE PLEASE NOTE: while the name of said "Fresh Fragrance!" appears to be a list of food items, I heartily suggest you do NOT attempt to eat it, even though the outside of the box surprisingly does not warn you against such idiocy. It DOES warn you, since there is a razor inside, that this craptacular gift is NOT intended for children. That way the rest of us are assured that your dubious gene pool will continue to annoy us for at least one more generation, despite Darwin's best efforts. (Gee, thanks, corporate lawyers!)

The beautiful box this thing comes in is approximately 7.5" X 4", so hopefully it will fit into your mailbox! Go for it! What do you have to lose, except some body hair (and the occasional quart of blood when the razor suddenly gets dull mid-shave)?

Mojo's Holiday Craptacular....

"The Gifts that Keep on Being Given"

(dead poinsettia not included)