If you have to ask, you're probably in the wrong place. And if you like unicorns and rainbows and skipping through dewy meadows, I'd advise you to leave, before you get traumatized too much. For the brave few that remain, every now and then Mojo's Craptacular is that thin ray of sunshine in your otherwise drab and pathetic life.
Today is Valentine's Day, which I do not particularly celebrate. Never much cared for it. Luckily the person I have been with for the past thirty years agrees with me here, so all is well in Mojoland.
Now as a grouchy older adult person Valentine's Day reminds me of two things. The first is an early, "classic" episode of the Simpsons called I Love Lisa, about a terrible crush Ralph Wiggum—irretrievably stupid loser that he is—had on Lisa. The whole thing is rather sad as Lisa cannot reciprocate, and has at least two memorable moments: the Valentine's Day "I choo-choo-choose you" card, and Ralph's delightfully painful attempts at flirting, which culminates in a come-on line I have frequently used to my great amusement and delight ever since: "So.... do you like... .stuff?"
Yeah, 'tis the season, yadda yadda yadda. I'm sorry, okay? I'M SORRY.
Maybe ten years ago, around this time of year, I hit a deer with my car. First time in nearly 30 years of driving. Like MOST people, it was not intentional; it was dark, I was going around 45 MPH in a 45 zone, and this BLUR came from the left and jumped in front of my bumper. I struck it, and the poor deer went careening off to the side of the road, where it ran off apparently none the worse. My poor little truck was not so lucky. I limped home with an askew bumper, a dragging noise if I turned the wheel too far in one direction, and missing my passenger side headlight.
What makes this particularly memorable (besides being the first and only time I had struck a deer) was... just the week before my poor Favorite Husband likewise struck a deer for the first and only time in 30+ years of driving, and likewise had to put in a claim to get HIS car fixed. So despite feeling rather bad about the poor deer, I was sort of giggling to myself before I made the call to the insurance company to get my car fixed. Because really, what are the chances?
My Sainted Favorite Mother had a saying for as long as I can remember. If you were stating the painfully obvious or just trying to tell her something she already knew, she would lovingly snap "Teach your grandmother!" in lieu of the less polite and less cultured "Shut the hell up."
Or so I always believed. "Teach your grandmother", in this context, had a very obvious etymology: one's grandmother, it is assumed, is/was a wise, intelligent and experienced person, and any life lessons you might wish to impart to her have probably already been learned.
An Instructional Dialogue Betwixt Mojo and Her Favorite Husband Ensues:
FAVORITE HUSBAND: I was in a hotel room the other night and I caught THE HOBBIT movie on cable.
MOJO: WHICH Hobbit movie? There are THREE of them.
FH: The one that happens before they dump the ring into the lava.