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Mojo: PATIENCE OF A SAINT

GollumAn Instructional Dialogue Betwixt Mojo and Her Favorite Husband Ensues:

FAVORITE HUSBAND: I was in a hotel room the other night and I caught THE HOBBIT movie on cable.

MOJO: WHICH Hobbit movie? There are THREE of them.

FH: The one that happens before they dump the ring into the lava.

MOJO: They ALL take place before they dump the ring. THE HOBBIT was a prequel to LORD OF THE RINGS. (And, Mojo adds editorially, the sole book that is actually somewhat enjoyable, and not just a bunch of elves and orcs shoveled together into a big fighting mosh pit. Not a huge Tolkein fan. But I digress.)

FH: The one with Gollum.

MOJO: They ALL have Gollum in them. Gollum was one of the few standouts in an otherwise super-dull movie franchise.

FH: The one where Frodo has the riddle game with Gollum. It's a great scene.

MOJO: It wasn't Frodo in the riddle scene. It was Bilbo in THE HOBBIT. THE HOBBIT is about Bilbo. LOTR is about Frodo and Sam.

FH: Frodo was in this one, too.

MOJO: Only briefly, to flog the connection with the LOTR movies. They added all sorts of crap to THE HOBBIT to remind people of LOTR. And remember? We saw all three LOTR in the movie theaters, and years later we got the DVD box set and I said, "It can't REALLY be as sucky as I remembered it"? So we sat down one weekend and watched it, and vowed to NEVER NEEDLESSLY WASTE PRECIOUS MOMENTS IN OUR LIVES AGAIN.

FH: But we never saw the ending of the HOBBIT movie.

MOJO: Yes. If you'll recall, that was on PURPOSE. After the snoozefest of LOTR, we decided to spend good money to see the first installment of THE HOBBIT, because we both liked the book well enough to gamble on it. We figured, we didn't like the BOOKS of LOTR all that much, so why would we like the movies? But we both actually kinda liked THE HOBBIT. But, after three hours of Scooby-Doo slapstick sequences and dwarves going "Whoooaaa! Whoooaa!" as they are flung about, we BOTH determined it was not going to be worth spending money and time to watch the remaining two movies.

FH: The Gollum scene was good.

MOJO: It was good in the book, too. Really, it would be hard to mess that up. It's a great scene. But it's what? Like, TEN MINUTES out of over EIGHT HOURS?

FH: It can't possibly be as bad as we remember it.

MOJO: WE SAID THE SAME THING ABOUT THE STAR WARS PREQUELS AND LOOK WHERE THAT LED US. WE ARE THE PROUD OWNERS OF A BOX SET WE WILL NEVER WATCH AGAIN.

FH: I still kinda want to see THE HOBBIT.

MOJO (sighing dramatically): Okay, if you insist. I'll download all three moneygrabs--oh, sorry, I meant, movies. And we can have another epic bingefest this weekend reminding ourselves just how terrible they are.

FH: The Gollum scene was good.

MOJO: I agree. However, that was the only scene in the book where Gollum appeared. I'm guessing they'll shoehorn him in a few more times to give the public what they want, but Gollum really doesn't have any scenes beyond the riddle game in the original book.

FH: We don't need to watch the first movie. I just saw it in the hotel.

MOJO: But *I* haven't.

FH: We saw it in the movie theater.

MOJO: That was AGES ago. All I remember was how utterly BORED I was the entire time.

FH: Well, it's just like the book. With Frodo and Gollum and all.

MOJO: FRODO'S NOT IN THE HOBBIT!

FH: Well, what's-his-name, then.

MOJO: BILBO!

FH: I thought Frodo was the one who threw the ring into the lava.

MOJO: YES! BUT THAT WAS IN LORD OF THE RINGS!!! THE HOBBIT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FRODO OR THROWING RINGS INTO LAVA!

FH: Frodo was in this one.

MOJO: Yes, but he WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE!!! IT WAS JUST A TIE-IN TO FLOG LORD OF THE RINGS!

FH (rolling his eyes): Boy, you really have this psychotic need to SEE STUFF IN ORDER, don't you?

MOJO: Who, besides yourself, doesn't want to watch things IN ORDER? And I think it's ONLY FAIR to the director to watch things in order, the way he intended. As sucky as it will probably turn out to be. You gotta be fair to the guy and give him a chance.

FH: Okay, we can watch the first one again. The Gollum scene was pretty good. I wouldn't mind seeing that again.

MOJO: Yes, the Gollum scene is good. I'll give you that. But the rest of the time I am going to be SUFFERING FROM ETERNAL SOUL-SUCKING BOREDOM.

(MOJO downloads the trilogy. They suffer through the first movie.)

MOJO: Well, that was EVEN MORE bad and boring and Scooby-Doo than I remember it being.

FH: I told you, we didn't have to watch the first one.

MOJO: Yes, we did. I hadn't seen it in AGES. And now we can sit down and watch another THREE HOURS of the second one.

FH: Ah, yes. The one with Frodo in it.

MOJO: FRODO'S NOT IN THE HOBBIT!!!

(The Favorite Husband suppresses a laugh to show Mojo he is just pressing buttons at this point. They suffer through the second movie.)

MOJO: Okay, we lived through that. If anything, I am a survivor. Just another three hours and we'll be done.

FH: Uh, I don't think I need to watch the third movie just yet. I'm pretty much Hobbitted out.

MOJO: But the third one promises to be three nonstop hours of combat. Sort of like the last three hours, only on a MUCH GRANDER scale. Instead of DOZENS of people fighting there will be THOUSANDS. And I for one can't wait to see MORE Scooby-Doo escapes and dwarves being flung about in madcap slapstick.

FH: Do we have any 3RD ROCKs left? Why don't we watch some 3RD ROCK.

MOJO: Oooh, I think this LAST Hobbit movie might have orcs in it! THAT'll be a nice change of pace.

FH: We don't need to watch it right now. The fighting orc noises were scaring the animals.

MOJO: You're the one who BEGGED to see it.

FH: Yes, the LAST TWO. *YOU* made me re-watch the first one. I've had enough for now. I mean, wow. It's pretty bad.

MOJO: This is why, in the theater, during the closing credits of the first one, we vowed to NEVER BOTHER WATCHING THE FINAL TWO. It's about ALL I REMEMBER from the first HOBBIT film.

FH: Well.... the Gollum scene was pretty good.

MOJO: Yes, the Gollum scene was good.

Compromise. It's what makes a marriage work.

Mojo

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